The Things I Knew Mattered, But Still Chose to Avoid

 

There are some questions that make you stop and really think. Not because you do not know the answer, but because you know it all too well.

“What did I avoid that I knew mattered this year?”

My first instinct was to think about the things I did not accomplish. The plans I postponed. The ideas I left sitting in notebooks. The conversations I kept putting off. The dreams I told myself I would get to when life became a little less complicated.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps the things I avoided were not really tasks. They were feelings. They were decisions. They were moments of vulnerability. They were the things that required me to slow down long enough to ask myself what I truly wanted, what I truly needed and what God might be asking me to let go of.

This year has reminded me that being busy is not the same as moving forward.

I have always been someone who keeps going. Give me a challenge and I will find a way. Give me a problem and I will try to solve it. Give me an idea and I will probably turn it into a project before I have even finished thinking about it. I have built things, written things, helped people, served, worked, created and carried on even when life was not particularly gentle.

Sometimes I think I have become very good at keeping myself busy because busy means I do not always have to sit still with the questions that make me uncomfortable.

Perhaps one of the things I avoided this year was rest.

Not simply having a quiet afternoon or taking a day off, but genuinely resting without feeling that I should be doing something productive. I have often associated progress with movement. If I am doing something, I feel useful. If I am achieving something, I feel that I am moving forward.

But maybe there are seasons when moving forward means being still.

My faith has been teaching me that lesson in ways I did not expect. Be still and know that God is here.

Being still is harder than it sounds.

When you are still, you hear your own thoughts. You notice what hurts. You recognize what you have been avoiding. You begin to see which things are worth holding onto and which things have simply become habits because you were afraid to release them.

I also avoided having some conversations with myself.

The honest ones.

What do I really want for the next chapter of my life? What deserves my energy? Who deserves access to my heart? What am I doing because it genuinely matters to me, and what am I doing simply because I have always done it?

Those are uncomfortable questions because sometimes the answers require change.

And change can be frightening, even when it is good.

This year has also taught me that I cannot keep waiting for everything to be perfect before I allow myself to move forward. There will always be something unfinished. There will always be another responsibility, another problem to solve, another person who needs something from me.

If I wait until life is perfectly organized before I pursue the things that matter, I may spend my whole life waiting.

I have also avoided giving myself enough credit.

I can be quick to celebrate other people. I can encourage someone else, remind them of their strengths and tell them how far they have come. Yet when it comes to myself, I sometimes move straight on to the next goal without stopping to acknowledge what I have already survived, learned and accomplished.

That needs to change.

I have lived through difficult seasons. I have experienced loss. I have had moments when I did not know what the future would look like. I have watched plans change. I have had people come into my life and people leave it. I have experienced disappointment, uncertainty, grief, love, faith and unexpected blessings.

And somehow, I am still here.

Not just surviving.

Growing.

That is something worth celebrating.

Perhaps I also avoided trusting myself.

There have been moments when I have second guessed my instincts, questioned my decisions and wondered whether I was asking for too much or dreaming too big. But I am beginning to understand that confidence does not mean knowing exactly how everything will turn out.

Confidence means taking the next step anyway.

That is something I have been learning in my faith too. I do not need to know the entire road before I take the next step. God does not always give us the full map. Sometimes He simply gives us enough light for where we are standing.

And perhaps that is enough.

One of the biggest things I avoided this year was accepting that some things are simply not mine to control.

I can love people, but I cannot make their decisions for them.

I can offer advice, but I cannot choose someone's path.

I can work hard, but I cannot control every outcome.

I can pray, but I cannot dictate God's timing.

That last one is probably the hardest.

I have learned that surrender is not giving up. Surrender is trusting that I do not have to carry everything myself.

There is tremendous freedom in that.

Looking back, I realize that the things I avoided were often the very things that mattered most. Rest mattered. Honest conversations mattered. My dreams mattered. My boundaries mattered. My happiness mattered. My faith mattered. My relationships mattered. And perhaps most importantly, I mattered too.

I do not want to carry the same avoidance into another year.

I want to be braver about the things that matter.

I want to make the phone call. Have the conversation. Start the project. Say the prayer. Take the opportunity. Walk away when something no longer serves its purpose. Say yes when something feels right. Say no when something does not. Rest without guilt. Love without fear. Dream without apologizing for the size of the dream.

Most of all, I want to stop postponing my own life.

There will always be reasons to wait.

There will always be another Monday, another month, another year.

But life is happening now.

So perhaps the real lesson from this question is not about what I avoided this year. Perhaps it is about what I will no longer avoid moving forward.

I will no longer avoid becoming the woman I know I am capable of becoming.

I will no longer avoid choosing myself when choosing myself is necessary.

I will no longer avoid the dreams that keep returning to my heart.

I will no longer avoid the quiet moments where God may be trying to get my attention.

And I will no longer be afraid of the unknown simply because I cannot see the whole road.

I have learned enough to know that I do not need to have everything figured out.

I just need courage for the next step.

Faith for the next chapter.

And the willingness to finally give myself permission to become everything I was created to be.

Maybe that is what this year was really trying to teach me.

The things that matter most are often the things we are most tempted to avoid.

So next year, I want to meet them head on.

With faith.

With courage.

With an open heart.

And with the quiet confidence that whatever comes next, I will be ready for it.