If you’ve been working hard to lose weight and adopt a
healthy lifestyle, you probably know how difficult that can be, and how
important it is to have the support and help of others who are doing the same
thing. You’ve probably been inspired by someone else’s success, gotten some
important advice, or found a sympathetic listener just at the precise moment
when, otherwise, you might have given up.
When important people in your life are also struggling
with weight problems or making healthy decisions, you probably want to give
them the same help and support you’ve received from others. Easy enough, as
long as they’re looking for what you have to offer.
But what do you do when someone you care about doesn’t
seem to want to change their lifestyle or lose weight, even though they are
putting themselves at risk? What if they really want the results of eating well
and exercising regularly, but isn’t so keen on doing the things that make those
results happen? How can you motivate someone to do what you know they need to
do? Is that even possible?
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Conventional wisdom says that you can’t motivate someone
else. Maybe you can, however, inspire them with your own good example, give
them the information they need to solve problems, or support them when the
going gets tough. But like the proverbial light bulb, that person is not going
to change their behavior unless and until they want to change it, and is ready
and willing to do what has to be done. The desire and readiness have to come
from inside.
This conventional wisdom is probably true, but all it
really tells you is what you can’t do to motivate someone else. You can’t
provide them with a good reason to get healthy, you can’t persuade them to do
it by the sheer brilliance of your logic and persuasive techniques, and you
can't convince them by the persistence of your nagging, suggestions, bribes,
threats, predictions of disaster, or other manipulative devices. Until the
object of your concern wants to do something about their situation, anything
you tell them is going to fall on deaf ears.
So, if you’re currently doing any of those things I just
mentioned, knock it off before it messes up your relationship and drives both
you and the person you’re concerned about crazy with frustration and
resentment.
When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. How
many people do you know who really want to be unhealthy and overweight, and
wouldn’t prefer to look better, feel better, and be as healthy as possible?
When someone ‘isn’t motivated’ to lose weight or live a healthy lifestyle, the problem
is probably not that they are not ready or willing to enjoy the obvious
benefits of healthy eating and exercise. If things were as simple as that, they
would make those changes in a minute.
More likely, the problem is that, to them, they are ‘benefiting’
(in some way) from the way they are doing things now, and they are not sure if
they will still get those same benefits if they make big changes in their life.
Your best chance for motivating them to make desirable changes is to find out
what they are getting out of their ‘unhealthy’ behaviors now, and what you can
do to help them get those same things without paying the price of obesity,
inactivity, and higher health risks.
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So what can you really do?
Do more listening than talking. Remember, your job is not
to persuade, correct, or preach. Most people who are ‘stuck’ in unhealthy
behaviors already know what’s wrong and what they need to change. What they
don’t know, they can easily find out when they’re ready to use the information.
Most people even know, more or less, when they’re denying the obvious,
inventing rationalizations, coming up with excuses, only seeing the problems,
and ignoring the opportunities. But arguing with a friend or loved one about
these things just makes it that much harder for them to start talking about the
real issues. In fact, people are far more likely to talk themselves out of
these unhelpful thoughts than to be talked out of them by someone else. Your
job is to listen, nod a lot, and say things like “Yes, that was a problem for
me, too,” or, “You mean you do that too? I thought I was the only one.”
Lead by example. The best reason you can give someone for
adopting a healthy lifestyle is doing it yourself and letting them see how it
has helped you. Another dimension of this leading by example is talking about
what you’ve learned about yourself in the process and the benefits that may not
be visible on the surface. As I mentioned earlier, the ‘real’ reason people
hold back from change is usually fear of losing something important or exposing
themselves to danger. That something important can be anything from the simple
pleasure of doing something they enjoy (like eating a bag of chips while
sitting on the couch and watching TV) to some deep psychological need to stay
overweight and avoid the risks of being socially or sexually active. They might
be unwilling to give up a certain style of cooking because it provides an
important feeling of emotional connection with their family.
Whatever the reasons are, change isn’t likely to happen
until they feels like they’ve got some other realistic options for meeting
these needs and desires. And most of us don’t like to think or talk too much
about this kind of stuff (even to ourselves, much less someone else). You might
be able to help move this part of the change process along by talking (when the
opportunity arises) about how you’ve dealt with some of these kinds of things
yourself.
The ideal solution to these difficulties is to make doing
the right thing as fun and pleasurable as possible. That will always work
better than preaching the evils of instant gratification, glorifying the
virtues of delayed gratification or heroic self-discipline, and striking fear
into the hearts of potential junk food eaters.
So, if you want to get your loved one to join in your
efforts to eat healthy, put away those carrot sticks with the cottage cheese
dip, and have a little contest to see who can come up with the tastiest and
most nutritious new meal or snack ideas. The winner gets out of doing dishes.
If you want to get the kids off the phone or the computer and on their feet
moving around, don’t start with rules and limits, start by finding something
they like to do, and offer to do it with them. You get the idea.
The good news is that a healthy lifestyle is something
that most people will actually find pleasant and rewarding, once they give it a
chance to grow on them. You can’t make that happen for others, or even convince
them to try when they don’t want to. But with a little thought and luck, you
might just provide the spark that gets the fire going.
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