Yeh the title of this blog post should say it all. It sure is funny how time slips away. I have been losing track of days and dates lately, it isn't even funny. I have been so busy trying to juggle so many things at once; seeing to my son Logan's photo-therapy sessions, setting doc appointments for my daughter, staying with granny, and seeing mom's doctors appointments at the hospital for her heart condition and this is aside to the work I have got that's piling up everyday. So how am I supposed to stop to breathe. Where am I supposed to find the time to actually stop and do something I enjoy? When can I find the time to actually work on my second book or take up another course to upgrade myself?
I kind of feel trapped and alone. It is as if I am alone here trying to hold everything and everyone together but no one is seeing how I need holding up as well.
Well, I have been meaning to 'write' this post since the new year but as usual, I slacked off. By the time I got done for the day, I am too exhausted to even want to sit by my computer to do anything else.
But I think I should do this still and I will go back to 29 December 2021 when I finally stopped long enough to have most of a day all to myself. Of course, not before I settled some errands for the home first. But I got to my happy place; the beach. I spent many hours there. God is good. He gave me a beautiful day although while I was on my way there, it started to pour and I felt like the Heavens started to cry with me. I was heading to the beach with a heavy heart.
Changi Beach is filled with so many bitter sweet memories thus why I wanted to be there to either find some answers or closure. I needed to find some alone time to clear my heart and my head, to re look into the last year or so, and reflect back on what has happened and the decisions and choices I have made.
You know, I wish I could connect my mind to a smart phone, like a speech to text application so it could automatically record everything I am thinking about. It would make me writing a journal so much simpler because I think a lot when I am in the shower or traveling and when I finally sit and put the pen to paper, I draw a blank.
I say the beach is my happy place but I am always carry a heavy heart when I am there. Maybe it's just my escape place, a place I can let out everything I have bottled up inside. I do feel free when I am at the beach.
OK. So where do I start? I have got a million things on my mind that I;d like to talk about and what has happened this past year but where do I start?
We are about a month into the new year and it is not looking well for the whole world with Covid still sticking around and spreading. It didn't start off too good for me but I am trying to stay positive and get the best of what life has to offer.
The past 2 years have been a nightmare for me.
Long before we ushered in the new year 2022, I already made some decisions and changes in my life which I know is for the better. I did not want to wait till the new year to work on changes. All this new year, new me bullshit. I simply wanted to give it a head-start and walk into the new year mostly refreshed and mostly free of toxic people and negativity. Heck! I started this cleanse way back in September 2021.
I figured it out. I will start from the beginning of Year 2021. Sounds like a plan?
Lets go back to a little before 2021...
Christmas eve 2020, we lost my godmother to Cancer after her almost 9 years of a brave battle. This taught me that life is unpredictable and you should always make amends with loved ones before it's too late. I wish I had been there to tell her I was sorry and that I love her and appreciate all she has done. That is a regret I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
I won't get into details as to what happened in this post but I will write about it in another blog post when I can find the time.
It was also during that time when I opened my eyes to accept the fact and the truth about what a selfish person my own father truly is.
My father knew my godmother was dying. He went to visit her that Christmas eve morning and came home and did not even say a word to my mother that her sister was dying. If he did, maybe, just maybe, we could have gone over to ask for forgiveness and said our last goodbyes.
What is worse? My father did not even tell us my godmother had passed that evening. I had to read it on his Facebook.
We wanted so much to go pay our last respects but were afraid the family would not allow us. Can you believe how in just a couple months, so much can happen and change? We last saw my Godma in August (her birthday) and in September we had a tiff because none of them checked on my daughter after her major surgery and just 3 months later, she's gone.
I was hurting but had to remain strong for my mom. But not once did my father try to get the family to at least allow my mother to go say goodbye to her sister. Not once did he give my mother any comfort.
Anyway, me being me, I acted like I was alright but I wasn't and I broke down many times when I was alone. Simply sobbed like a baby...
But God is good. He gave us closure. On the very last day, before my Godmother was cremated, my uncle's wife called and asked us to head over to pay our final respects and we did. It was hard but we got some closure at least.
Slowly after, we made amends with the rest of the family. Lots changed since Godma passed and we needed to come together to make sure my granny will be well taken care of.
Since then, mom and I have been spending lots of time with Granny and making new memories.
Life has a strange way of teaching you lessons.
... A little before my Godmother passed, my best friend Ian was finally released from prison. Thankfully I had been in touch with his sister so I got to know when he would be out. I know things would change but I had some hope and I tried to give him time... I will write another blog post about this as well....
But to summarize, I told his sister I would like to hand him and her some pineapple tarts and sugee cake I had baked because I know he likes tarts and she likes sugee. So she and I planned to meet at Church in 21 December 2021. Little did I know till the very last minute my best friend would be there too. I was nervous about seeing him.
Well, we met at the Church and I passed what I needed to pass. Very few words were exchanged and he was distant. He had lost a ton of weight. With our masks on, I could still see the kindness in his eyes.... but it had lost the sparkle and it broke my heart. I wanted to hug him like we used to before but I knew he needed time and space. I was just grateful for that few precious minutes. It's been 3 years since I last saw him.
So that was that....
I texted a few times after and he did ask for space... I miss him everyday. I never stopped caring or loving him.
Moving on to 2021.... lets start from January...
Been spending a lot of time with Granny and she introduced me to Daniel O'Donnell and what a treat that was. In the beginning, I would watch his concerts with her and just enjoy the fact I am doing something Granny enjoyed. I decided to write him and he literally sent Granny a personalized video within a week and that was when he stole my heart!
It was another blessing in disguise.
Since 2019, I had lost all respect for Engelbert Humperdinck and have not been able to listen to his music since. Having Daniel O'Donnell being introduced to me was a blessing. He truly has proven that not all celebrities are arrogant and entitled.
The passing of Patricia Healey Dorsey came as a shocker. But I am thankful she is finally at peace. I have always admired her and her strength. The hurt she had to deal with for years with a famous husband who constantly cheated on her. In that moment of time, I felt honoured I was one of the first Jason called to tell me about his mom's passing. But when I think about it today, I am sure he had informed a few others as well and made them feel like they were the only one he is telling.
However, it is as if one person passing is not enough, I got a real shocker in July when I heard my friend Cedric Benoit passed! I just spoke to him a couple days before!! We had a little tiff and we had talked and he said he didn't want to lose my friendship. We chatted for a bit and 2 days later he's gone. How unpredictable can life be? Thus why I say, always say what you have to say with people you care about before it is too late. I will miss our conversions, Facetime at the studio and petty fights. But one thing I knew was, as crazy as Cedric was and flirtacious, he was a good friend to me and wanted nothing but the best for me. Not to mention he was always so proud of me and my accomplishments and spoke highly of me to everyone. He will be missed dearly.
But going back 2 months before that, I have to say I accomplished something I have been wanting to in years. I published my first book! This was in the works since 2017!! But I did it and I released it on May 2 in honour of my grandfather as May 2 was the date he passed.
With little confidence, I said that even if I sold 1 copy of my book, that would officially give me the title of "author" and I'd be fine with that! Heck! I sold lots of copies, physical as well as eBook versions! Oh Cedric also purchased a copy!
Come September, towards the end, I finally found the courage to say heck with it and I stopped talking to Jason and the whole family. He is a narcissist like his father. They have hurt me enough after all I have done for them. I wasn't getting anything out of that "friendship", it was a one way street. So I just left. A few days shy is the anniversary of when Jason and I first started talking (Oct 4) in 2016.
To tell you the truth, I always had tried to leave but Jason and even his family knew just how to get me to stay. Not this time.
When I left, I was vocal and said what I had to say and kept saying it on Social Media. Because I was courageous enough to do so, so many have come forward to tell me I made the right move and told me their horror stories. I won't ever regret what I had done for that family. I think my blessings from all of that are the new friends I made through that whole ordeal.
One thing about me: I will match your respect. I will also match your disrespect.
Nobody goes through more shit in life than a person with a good heart.
Not too long after that, since my dad moved out of my place to go live with my brother, he again pissed me off with an insentive post of FB. And so I decided, I will cut all ties completely. No love lost for me because he never cared about me and the abise he put me through growing up. He still doesnt admit it which makes it worse. So I cut ties.
And I learned that it is okay to be sad after making the right decision.
I wanted to get into 2022 without any negativity or toxic people to put me down any more.
Then we move on to December 2021...
Remember 21-December-2020, I met my best Friend Ian upon his release from Prison and as much as I tried to connect, he asked for space? Well, I gave him that.
20-December-2021: I was at the coffee shop buying dinner, alone this time as my mum wasn't feeling well. I saw my best friend at the same coffee shop. I wish mum had been there with me because I know she would have gone up to him. I did not have the courage to do so. I just sat at the far end and stole glimpses of him. I don't know if he saw or and was pretending not to or he did not see me at all.
I swear, my heart fey like it was ripped out of my chest. Then I asked God why he was doing this to me and putting me through this difficult test? A day before the 1 year anniversary of seeing my best friend after 4 years and now this! My knees were weak, I practically dragged myself home with a heavy heart and all that while controlling my tears so I won't cry in public.
I wished him on Christmas day and it took him a day but he replied back and said 'Merry Christmas'. I was so happy, I cannot even describe the feeling in words. I thought maybe he was finally coming around to picking up from where we left off.
NOPE!
On New Year's eve, I asked him a few questions.
1. Did you really love me before?
2. Do you still love me?
3. Do you miss the times we spent together?
4. Is there a chance for us to pick up from where we left off?
His reply came a few days later....
1. Yes, I did.
2. No I don't.
3. I used to think of it but not anymore.
4. No chance.
And it was then I felt my whole world crumble. Felt like I got hit by a truck. I was hurting so bad. It felt worse because I was controlling my tears as I was traveling in to the office. But I finally broke down right as I stepped in the office.
When I left that message, I admit, a part of me know something bad was going to happen but another part of me had some hope. When he didn't reply after 2 days, I was a bit hurt and pissed off but I told myself, I will take the silence as he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore and I was going to leave it at that and walk away. Then his message comes in and I was hoping for the best but it was the cruelest thing someone could do to someone who gave so much.
Then I wish he just left it and did not reply....
It's so difficult watching someone you love turn into somebody you don't know.
But it is what it is. I lost a dear friend because apparently prison life changes you. Maybe one day he will come around but until then, I am moving forward.
It took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Not every person we feel something deep and moving with is meant to make a home within us, is meant to be a forever. Sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how to love; and sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how not to love, how not to settle, how not to shrink ourselves ever again. Yes, sometimes people leave - but that's okay, because their lessons always stay, and that is what matters. That is what remains.
The lesson I learned is not every you love will stay. Bot everyone you trust will be loyal. Some people only exist as examples of what to avoid.
What's meant to be will always finds its way because sometimes, God removes people from our lives because they were only a part of our story. Accept it. We don't always have to know why.
I'll never regret someone that I had an amazing time and experience with. They made my life special at a certain time. We grew together, even if we grew apart.
Sometimes the people you wanted as part of your story are only meant to be a chapter.
I am going to focus on me and my family. I will focus more on the people who inspire you rather than the people who annoy you. I will get much further in life that way.
The hardest goodbyes are the ones you don't see coming. the ones you don't plan or could ever imagine happening. Like one day you're both together and little do you both know that today will be your last day spent. Sometimes there is nothing sadder than that.
If I've learned anything from life, it's that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I've learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I've learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I've learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I've learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can't give up. We have to keep going. Even when it's scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we're battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We've made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I hope this year will be kinder to us. I hope things will be different. And I hope we take all the lessons we learned in 2021 and never forget them. I hope we move on but in the right way... with patience and growth, and with love and kindness. I hope all the things that made 2021 difficult don't follow. I hope we get better and I hope all of us can learn to smile and breathe again. I especially hope that this year, we can learn not to be so hard on ourselves.
I am proud of myself. I went through every type of pain, family issues, trust issues,
heartbreak, insecurities, depression, etc. I went through it all alone, but never gave up. A lot of things broke my heart but fixed my vision.
I have even learned that you're not always going to get the closure or the explanation you think you deserve and sometimes you have to accept something for what it is and move on. Everything really does happen for a reason.
So I close my eyes to old ends and open my heart to new beginnings.
One bad chapter doesn't mean your story is over.
