Mummy Dearest

It’s been exactly a month, to date, since my mum’s ICD surgery.

 

I knew from the start that this whole surgery thing was going to be very difficult on me, on so many levels and I thought I would be blooding every step of the way to keep myself sane but boy was I wrong.

 

I couldn’t even sit down long enough to find any energy in me to do anything else but to make sure mum was alright and am still doing that. Not to mention taking care of work and my family. I am literally mentally drained. At that point in time or for the last month, I could not even find the simplest words to describe how I felt.

 

Things are finally settling or maybe I am just getting used to juggling everything. Maybe I am just kidding myself because I am literally exhausted, mentally drained and have been fighting off depression that has been trying to set it on numerous occasions.

 

Nevertheless, the biggest relied now is that mum is recovering well and doing so much better. She is, however, going nuts though and in return driving me insane because she is stressing me out by being stubborn and I am afraid she is going to undo all the progress she has made so far.

 

So here I am, finally able to sit down and pen out my experiences stresses, thoughts and feelings about this whole scary experience; from the time this surgery was scheduled, to the night before and into it, until now.

 

Anyway, it’s been a little over a year since we found out mum’s heart is only working at 33% and she has a 60% blockage. We have since changed her diet and she has been on meds which did not make things better but it prevented her condition from getting worse. We have kept to her regular visits with her heart doc who from the start had suggested this procedure but mum was hesitant so mid last year she got an angiogram done. That did not solve the problem completely.

 

I suppose what made her finally knuckle under and agree to this procedure was because of me. No, I did not force it on her but explain why it was necessary and also because she knew since I found out about her condition, I have not had a full night’s sleep because I was afraid. I really was. What was I afraid of you might ask? I was afraid I would wake up one morning and mum wouldn’t. So a few times each night, I would get up just to make sure mummy was still breathing.

 

When she finally agreed to the surgery, I was relieved, but I also understood her fear. Thankfully, she had a great nurse for her consultation who assured her everything will be alright and how important this was.

 

Of course, once the surgery was scheduled, that created a whole new set of worries. I was mostly worried about the tiny slim chances that she won’t come out of it alive. It may sound like a stupid fear but I have known people to go in for something minor and not make it out alive.

 

So anyway, on the day of the procedure, I spent the time with mum at the hospital till it was time for them to bring her in to start the procedure. With a heavy heart, I hugged and kissed her and told her I will see her in a few hours. I remember that moment so clearly because although I was so very nervous, I had to pretend I was strong so she would not be scared. It was the hardest, walking away then.

 

They said the surgery would be around 1pm and it would take a couple hours. So I went home to see to things and waited for the hospital to call. By 4pm still no call and my nerves were about to explode. Finally at 5.30pm I said "F*ck it" and bought her dinner and went over to the hospital with Ed. I was going to break down some doors to find out where my mother was! But by the time I left, the hospital called and told me she was out. We headed to the ward and I was not expecting to see her in a high dependency ward. It took me a lot of courage to not break down and cry seeing her the way she was. But I had to stay strong for her. I know she is a warrior and would be ok.

 

The nurses there were wonderfully helpful and caring. Her doctor stopped by before heading home and explained what had happened. I guess mum was so out of it she did not even remember half of it.

 

Implant was placed in successfully but while they were doing that, mum was moving a lot so they had to sedate her which was probably the cause of why her pressure went down really low and oxygen level was at a low as well, thus why she had to be placed in the high dependency ward. Although the implant was successfully placed, her doctor told us it was a difficult procedure as their first try did not go so well so they had to find another spot on her heart to connect the device to. And because of that, there was a hole which caused some fluid to build up around the heart which could be the cause of the drop in pressure too. So they are monitoring that as well and if the fluid buildup worsens, they would have to drain that out.

 

I also remember she hadn't eaten all day and when she finally said she was hungry, the hospital kitchen was closed and since she was only allowed clear soups, Ed and I rushed down to the canteen to get her some.

 

Only thing I could think of was Yong Tau Fu. For my foreign friends, it’s a clear broth soup whereby you choose different items to put in it like veggies, toufu, fishcakes, etc. It's usually charged at a minimum amount of items of like 6 and it cost between $4 to $6. This stall was $5.70 for 7 items and the soup.

 

Since mum could not take solids and I was desperate to get her the broth, I told the lady behind the counter that I will pay her the FULL PRICE but I only want the broth. In her broken English, she shouted NO SOUP! I got pissed but I tried to explain that was all my mother could eat and the hospital kitchen was closed and she still wouldn't sell me the dame soup ONLY at FULL COST! F*ck that! I would pay $10 even because my mum needed it! But she still wouldn't listen! Compassion? She had none.

 

Pissed off, I picked out the 7 items..... (wanted to toss it in her face but controlled myself), slammed it on the counter instead and yelled at her to toss the items away and just pack the damn soup for me!

 

She did.

 

Well, wasn't that difficult was it?

 

With my temper and her attitude, it could have been a nightmare there at the canteen but my mama needed me and me being in lockup wouldn't do my mama too good.

 

So mum had some clear soup. I tied her hair up so it won't get in her face as her mobility is limited for now. Her pressure went back to normal by the time we left.

 

I was planning to stay the night with her but because it was a high dependency ward, they didn't allow me to. Walking away from her that same night was one of the toughest things I ever had to do.

 

By the third day, she was looking and feeling better and ready to go home but they kept her there for five days. It was the longest five days. I missed her being home with me. And running back and forth from home, work and hospital was no fun.

 

The last month has been tough. I had my hands full and many times I was at a breaking point but I picked myself back up and persevered through because mum needed me and so did everyone else. Between taking care of mum, Ed and the kids, I had to make sure my office work was done in a timely manner, and the house chores were done and lunch and dinner was cooked. Oh! Don’t forget the laundry!

 

It was for my family and I gladly did it all without complaints although I was very exhausted.

 

I always knew how much mum helps me with taking care of the house and such while I worked but it is during this time that I appreciate that so much more.

 

And all through this time, not once have my brother stopped to call and ask how she was doing. He did text, and I will give that to him but dammit. She is your mother not your friend! That really pisses me off and even more so because as much as my mum tells me she doesn’t care, I know it is killing her inside. Especially after all she has done and sacrificed for him. He boasts about owning three businesses to me to try and get me jealous? Please.... some big businessman you are when you cannot even support your own mother's medical expenses. Oh well.. such is life right? Karma is a bitch for sure. I won’t curse or wish ill on him but I will wish him all that he deserves. Don't worry bro. We won't need your money. Ed and I can and will take care of our mother. 

I just cannot wrap my head around a child not calling often to check on his/her parents to find out what is going on and then saying they never knew what the heck was going on. Huh? I will never forgive my brother after this. Not after I have seen and experienced for myself in the last month... that OUR mother almost died. I dare say I am almost traumatized by that because my world would shatter if I lost my mum. 

 

I am glad mum is getting stronger each day. She stresses me out when she gets stubborn and don’t take doctor’s orders and I have to keep an eye on her 24-7 but I understand how she feels and I know she must be going nuts not being able to do what she is used to. Hang in there mum…. You’ll be back to normal soon.

 

I would like to thank everyone who continues to check on mum and me.

 

Your kind words about what an amazing job I am doing caring for mum means so much to me and have given me so much more motivation to carry on. But I will say this… I do it because it is my duty and responsibility as a child. I do it because my mum deserves the best. I do it because it is my turn now to care for her after all she has done for me and sacrificed for me all through my life. I don’t need a pat on the back. I just need my mummy well and here with me for a very very long time.