A Last Goodbye

It was another normal Thursday morning on the fifth of February for me, or so I thought it would be until I received a call from my mother while I was in the bus, on my way to the office...

"Did you know that Jamey had passed away?" Was what I heard my mum say to me and my mind just froze right there and then. Everything else was a blur right after that but I started to feel the squeeze in my heart and the tears slowly start to form in my eyes.

"Are you sure mum? Could this be another one of those sick pranks that happened last year?" Yes, some time early last year Jamey had lost his phone and the b*stard  who took the phone must have seen texts from Jamey's mum and sis asking about him so he texted back saying Jamey had passed away. It wasn't long before Jamey called them to say he was alright and got online to tell me the same.

"No it's not" was my mum's next reply. "Check his mum's Facebook timeline."

That was about all of the conversation I remembered. Good thing I was seated in the bus when I heard the news because my tummy started to knot and my legs were trembling. I couldn't believe what I heard. Controlling my tears was all I could think of doing at that moment as I did not want to look like a retard crying in the bus.

The first thing I did when I got in to the office was to get on Facebook to see it for myself. I should have just taken my mum's word for it because the numbness started to set in. It was real. I felt tears roll down my cheeks but quickly wiped them away before people at the office saw me cry. I always portray myself as a strong woman and I refuse to show anyone any signs of weakness by crying. If possible I don't even do it in front of my family...not even my husband. Why? That's just the way I am. But he knows when I need that comforting.

I went the whole day like that...controlling my tears. But at different times of the day, I felt lost and could not get much done. I would stop work to just watch videos of Jamey singing. But that didn't help much. In fact, it made it hurt more.

I got through the day at the office. I got through the evening with my family.

Finally when everyone was asleep, I sat at my computer and had some time to myself. I got online and spoke to Jamey's mum. I browsed through Jamey's Facebook timeline, his albums and listened to his songs. And that was when I finally was able to let it all out. I sobbed quietly at my desk not wanting to wake my husband up. It didn't feel any better to be honest because each time Jamey popped in to my head, the water works started again. My heart ached. My dear dear friend has left us. 

To think this is how I am feeling. What is his mum, sis and daughter actually going through right now? I can't even begin to imagine. Yes, his mother is heart broken. Which mum wouldn't be? No mother should ever have to bury her child. But I am so proud of Kathy. She's one amazing woman who raised a fine man and shared him with the rest of the world. She continues to show such strength and so much love for Jamey. She said she's just comforted knowing Jamey is now with his dad in heaven and to me that takes a lot of courage to say it out loud. 

Almost two weeks have passed and I'm still feeling the hurt. Not as bad but it still hurts. I know I should already be alright by now but I'm not. I am filled with guilt and regret. The people who have made this a whole lot easier are the 3 ladies closest to Jamey; his mum Kathy, his sister Katy and his daughter Laura. They've been so strong throughout this journey and it’s only given me the strength to carry on myself.

I feel like I have failed as a friend. I had always promised Jamey things would start looking up. I promised him everything would be alright. I promised I would do everything in my power to get him the gig he deserved and so very much wanted. We always said we would travel the world together when we got to that point although he knew for a fact I was only all talk about the travel part. He knew I couldn't bear to be apart from my husband and kids. That’s how much he knew about me. And he was right. I even promised to get him here to Singapore for a little change for him although I always talked him out of that one as Singapore wasn't all that it’s cracked up to be.

I failed in all the above. 

Now, in my head, I have all the “what if”… What if he did start performing sooner and he kept busy? What if I got him to Singapore? Would that have helped? Would he still be around today if I got that all in place sooner?

I know everyone is telling me not to be too hard on myself. But I can’t help it. I could have possibly saved him. But I did not get to it sooner and now it is too late. Crying tears of blood will not get my beloved friend back.

The last we spoke was July of 2014. I remember Jamey being so determined and so upbeat. We spoke of our plans for him and I told him I was in touch with a friend who was in LA and who could help. He was excited and so was I.

A couple months after, my friend in LA got back in touch with me with good news. I tried to contact Jamey but to no avail. I didn't think much of it as that was how he was. A free spirit. Never did I expect to get news that he had passed away by an accidental fall.

I tried my best but I guess my best just wasn't good enough. I was too late.

Forgive me please, my friend.

-----

Yes, Jamey is the son of James Griffin; Academy Award winning professional musician best known for his work with the 1970s rock band, Bread.

Jamey continued in his dad’s footsteps. He loved to perform his music more than anything.

But whatever it was, he was just Jamey to me. His status or who he was didn't matter. Our friendship was based on the fact we were both just us. Ordinary folks. Of course, I was proud to be his friend. Of course I was proud of who he was but our friendship was built on the fact that he was just a regular down to earth guy. Always such a gentleman, polite, caring, loving and so damn funny.

The reason why I am bringing this up is because I have had a couple people ask me why I am so affected by his death when he was just another ‘celebrity figure’ or ‘celebrity child’.

No. Jamey wasn't just that to me. He was more than that. He was a friend. He was my buddy. When we did speak or chat, we would catch up on anything and everything. 

Knowing me doesn't mean you need to know everything about what I do or who I speak to and what about. So if I am completed affected by his death, I will deal with it.

Don’t question me. I am not seeking your comfort or pity. I will get through it on my own.

It’s just funny how if I think about it, I had known Jamey’s dad longer than I had known Jamey. Both my mum and I met his dad when Bread performed in Singapore in 1996. It was only after his dad passed away that I started to get to know Jamey. 

It’s no wonder Jamey had such a beautiful heart. James Griffin was such a darling and not to mention Jamey’s mum Kathy a sweetheart herself.

-----

When I first heard the news, the only way I tried to get through it was to send Jamey a text message like I used to every once in a while. I’d tell him to reply via FB instead as it wouldn't cost him so much that way and he always thought I was nuts wasting so much money….then we just giggle about it.

The other night I was sitting by my computer in the dark, thinking of my chats with Jamey when I felt a gentle wind blow through my window and I felt a sense of calmness. I felt his presence. I wasn't afraid. I smiled and tears rolled down my cheeks. This time it was tears of joy knowing he was watching over me.

That was not the only time I felt he was there trying to assure me that he was alright and that everything will be alright.

The other time was when his mum Kathy shared a link to a song he had written. A song I knew well because I had called him before and he played it for me. But back to the link….I tried everything but it just would not play. So I left it as is. I stopped it and got off my computer to head out to the store. I got home and my computer was on sleep mode but the moment I stepped in to my room, while my computer still remained on sleep mode, his song started playing. Again, I was not afraid. I knew he was trying to tell me he was still there.

I suppose Jamey knowing me well enough and how I usually need reassuring and me always being a skeptic,… so he showed me the third sign. It was another evening when I was at my computer and suddenly his name popped up on my Facebook chat list. It has not been up there in months and usually the ones on there are usually the ones I'm always in touch with…and now all of a sudden he’s there!

"OK Jamey. I get it. I will also stop being so stubborn as you say I am. But I miss you and I can’t help it. It is going to be a while before I am better but I will never stop missing you."

We've always had each other's backs even from so many thousand miles apart. We have been each other's pillar of support to lean on. We've shared happy and sad times without complaining. He was a true friend. I am going to miss his humour, his music, his passion, his determination and everything about him. 

"Rest well my friend. But never stop making beautiful music. Now you can do that with your dad and the angels in Heaven. And I look forward to the day we meet and I get to watch you perform on the big stage up in Heaven."

"I still want that very first autographed CD from Heaven! You promised I would be the first and I am holding you to that."

"For now, I will keep your memory alive. I will help you take care of your family. I can’t do much but I can promise to always check up on them. I hope to meet you mum and sis soon."

I've converted Jamey's songs into MP3s. This helps me get through my day as I have his songs now on my phone and on repeat.

I just wish I could be there in Memphis to say my final goodbye to Jamey, to give his mum a big hug. I am just very grateful that his mum will be recording the service so I will be able to find some closure at least.

Anyway, just some last words before I put a close to this blog entry…

Jamey,

I will remember the love you gave so unconditionally

I will remember the joy you brought to so many lives

I will remember the smile you showed so frequently

I will remember the laughter we shared together

I will remember the sentimental tears we shed

I will remember the songs you sang to me

I will remember the music that you played

I will remember your strength

I will remember your pride (your kids)

I will remember the joys and the pains we've endured individually

I will remember your fear

I will remember your courageous struggle

I will remember you

Gone yet not forgotten. Although we are apart, his spirit will live within me forever and he will forever have a place in my heart.

At times I still question, “why did he have to die?” because I really don’t want to say goodbye.

God must have thought he was special to take him away but why could he not have waited another day? But I know God is looking after Jamey now, high up in the sky.

I know he wouldn't want me or anyone else to make a fuss, because after all, he's still down here with all of us. And just because we can’t see him, doesn't mean he's not here.

I know Jamey is somewhere very very near. I love him so much but it’s time to say, “Goodbye" because his life here on earth has come to an end. A new chapter opens up for him in Heaven where he will continue to make beautiful music.

It’s time for him to rest in peace and have eternal love. There’ll always be a star burning ever so bright from now on because that will be Jamey watching down at us. Memories of our times spent together will stay deep inside my heart forever.

"Thank you Jamey for showing me how to be strong and how to love unconditionally." 

“If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane…I’d walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again…”