Have you ever wondered...

 

What made me decide on the topic of this post was when I was having dinner at Subway with my husband before getting the much needed Christmas shopping done. I ordered a roast beef sub with extra mayo... took my first bite and the mayo oozed out and on to my cheek. Of course it's a good thing we've been married for over a decade so I wiped it off and we laughed about it. It was then that I realised how glad I was that I didn't have to do the whole dating scene anymore or glad that at that moment I wasn't out on my first date. So that was how the idea of this post came about. And needless to say, if my date were to take me to Subway for our first meal, I'd totally ditch him right after.

So anyway, The first date: This is the moment that can make or break your chances with that someone you've drooled for. First dates provide a critical first impression... how you look, act, and present yourself will mean everything. Every word that comes out of your mouth and every single action you take, or even the ones you don’t will be analysed.

A first date can be a nightmare of anxiety. You want to make a good impression, so you agonize over what to wear, or you rehearse intelligent things to say. So for God's sake don't ruin it all by ordering some foolish food at dinner that is likely to make you a source of comedy or embarrassment for the rest of the night. But what are these danger foods?

Here, I will try to compile a list of foods that any sensible person should avoid when dining with a new companion. And don't let the title of this post fool you because these rules are in force for every meal until you and your partner first hook up, and they apply just as much to business meetings.

So are you ready to know what these foods are?

If you've read this far, you're aware that I mentioned Subway subs. That would be in the same category as burgers. But I must say that if your date takes you to a burger joint the first time you meet then you may want to reconsider going out with this person a second time... I'm just saying....

In my opinion these are the foods you need to avoid on your first date and note that they are not in any particular order.

1. Burgers

First of all, on a first date, never order food you eat with your hands. There is NOTHING more dangerous then a burger. Not forgetting extremely messy! Can you imagine after about three bites, your hands are covered in a revolting slime of mayo, grease, and special sauce, and your tomato is hanging precariously from the back of your bun. If you're lucky it will land on your plate.

2. Spaghetti

Yes, we all saw Lady and the Tramp, but that was a cartoon and they were dogs. In the real world, spaghetti is an underestimated date-killer. You’d think that pasta would be a safe choice, but trust me...you’re wrong. This is a dangerous situation to place yourself in because you run the risk of getting pasta on your outfit and if that happens, you might as well just head home. There's nothing remotely sexy about watching you hoover up wayward strands of pasta or listening to the constant screech of your fork against spoon or plate. Did I also mention that you might make the mistake of slurping your food? Gross. The risk is not worth the reward. Stay away at all costs.

3. Steak

I recommend you fight your carnivore urges at this point. Some cuts of meat may be difficult to cut while still actively engaging your companion in conversation. It’s highly likely that you’ll make a huge mess on your plate and God forbid if something slips while you’re holding a sharp knife.

4. Soup

No matter how delicious, it's a dating disaster. Like spaghetti, it's impossible to eat this gracefully... the slurping, the backsplash. Good lord, if you want to make a fool of yourself just stick the flatware up your nose and be done with it. So when your server asks, "Soup or salad?" the answer should be "None for me. Thank you. I'm driving," ... Haha I was kidding about that last part. However, I wasn't kidding about the soup being a no no.

5. Lobster and Crab

Avoiding these feeds precisely because they require you to use your hands. Anything that requires you to use your hands will be messy and leave a smell behind. It’s never a good look to have hands smelling fishy, be it from the food you’re eating, or from messing around with some unhygienic female.

6. Spinach or Salad

You might be wondering, “What’s wrong with spinach?” At first thought, pretty much nothing. Sure, it tastes great but what you haven’t considered is at the end of the night, when you go up to your mirror, you will be greeted with a mouthful of spinach! Any other small greens are equally as dangerous. You say you've climbed the highest peaks on five continents? You recently returned from rebuilding Haiti? You just sold the film rights to your novel? Doesn't matter. You have a little green leaf stuck between your teeth. You're a doofus.

7. Barbecue, chicken wings, fried chicken

What did I just say? No hands food! You may love a good plate of ribs or buffalo wings, but by the time you're finished you'll look like a 3-year-old in a high chair. You could try using a knife and fork, but then you'll just look like a priss or worse, your plate of ribs could end up on the other side where your date is seated.

8. Onions and Garlic

Here's a surefire way to guarantee your date ends in a handshake instead of a kiss... Order the garlic shrimp. Or the garlic bread. Or the pizza with garlic. The presence of either of these ingredients in your dish will kill any chance of getting a goodnight kiss after the date. Your breath will be rancid for the next few hours and your date will be truly disgusted every time you talk. Ain't no amount of furtive breath mints gonna mask your stanky breath. Not tonight, and probably not till Tuesday.

9. Watermelon and Corn on the Cob

Admittedly these don't come up much on first dates. But if you're getting together at a picnic or a barbecue, better keep these off the list. In the history of the world no one has eaten a watermelon without looking like a slobbering goof. And if you're looking to impress a date, avoid food that requires you to slide your face across a buttered surface and is guaranteed to lodge kernels so deep into your teeth you can't remove them with hydraulic tools.

10. Mexican, Indian, Thai food

What? This is nuts, you say. Whole categories of dining off limits? But think for a minute... What do all these foods have in common? Spice. And what does spice lead to? Come on, we've all been there... You're out with someone you like and respect, eating Thai food when all of a sudden you're seized with dread, and you realize it's begun. A slow rivulet of snot is inexorably descending from your left nostril. It doesn't matter if you catch it in time. More will follow. Rivers. Gushers. Your nose has become the Deep water Horizon of mucus, and no napkin on earth can help you now. You start snorting like a hog. You pray your date will look away so you can wipe your sleeve. Please! you beg to the patron saint of dating nightmares. Just look away!

11. Ice cream cone

A refreshing little cone of Double Chocolate might seem adorably romantic on a warm day, but it's a disastrous idea for two reasons. First, the minute you step outside, the laws of thermodynamics become your implacable enemy, and your rapidly melting Raspberry Mocha Swirl turns you into a frantically licking moron. Which brings me to reason two... On any first date, avoid foods you have to lick. No guy needs that kind of pressure. No woman wants that kind of attention.

Ok, by now I'm pretty sure you’re really pissed at me because I’ve likely named every delicious food you were craving. Call me the overbearing parent you hate for being right, but would you prefer to go on that first date and do the total opposites from what I mentioned in this blog and have to kick yourself after? I didn't figure.