My beloved Matt a.k.a. Fargo… you broke your promise. You
said no matter what, you will always be here, that you were just a phone call
away. Thinking about that, I cannot even bring myself to believe that you’re
gone. I will never be able to see you, feel you, call you or talk to you.
I have lost friends along the way of life, and in the
past week, I have lost 2 other dear friends, but your death is hitting me hard.
Really hard. My heart is shattered. I feel empty. I can’t sleep. I work through
the pain so I don’t have to think about you but when I stop or lay my head
down, tears start flowing.
The irony of grief is that the person you most want to
talk to about it is no longer here…
I want to dedicate this to you. I want to celebrate your
life and I want to remember how we met and the times we spent together. I want
to celebrate you and the amazing person you were. But where do I start? Will I
be able to find the right words?
The last few days, memories of the times we spent
together since the start kept flooding my mind. I wish I could have recorded it
but I will have to try and put them in words. But I am going to have to choose
a few because if I were to write about the decade long friendship we had, I
could publish a trilogy.
I want to put this down in words not only to celebrate
you, Matt, but should I lose my memory tomorrow, I can come back to this and
smile while reading these beautiful memories of you.
---
It was 1997. That was a bad year for me and I was trying
to get my life back on track. I bought myself a laptop and hooked it up to the
internet and decided to check out what this online chat is all about so I
joined mIRC. First 2 people to ping me were Matt (a.k.a. Fargo) and Ed!! Well,
Matt was living in Singapore then so after a couple weeks of chatting, he asked
me out.
This was before smart phones and not everyone owned a scanner
or took much selfies. So you could say this was a blind date. We met at the
Westin Stamford as it was called back in the day. I remember we had only described
ourselves to each other and kind of gave an idea of what we would wear.
As time approached as I sat at the lobby, my mobile phone
rang and it was the first time I’d hear his voice. As we were talking on the
phone and trying to find out where each other was, I saw this gorgeous guy
walking towards me and I was thinking, “No way! It can’t be him.” But it was.
Tall, blonde, blue eyes, dressed so well in business pants, shirt and a jacket.
Pinched myself. Was this really true? How is it a guy that hot was actually
looking for a date. A blind one no less.
I learned later that he was also on mIRC checking out
what it was all about and I happen to be there at the same time when he pinged
me.
Our first date was at Prego, an Italian restaurant. It
was amazing. He was such a gentleman. He opened the door for me, pulled out my
chair. Everything you could ever dream of in a guy, he was it. We spoke for
hours. That evening, he left me a text telling me he would like to see me again
and the rest is history.
He and his dad owned a multimillion dollar engineering
company here in Singapore. As months passed, I learned more about him. I met
his father. It was just the two of them against the world. No family. Only a
handful good friends. So for me to have been accepted in to their small circle
meant a whole lot.
I have been through so much with the two of them, even
when Matt was upset his dad was remarrying a lady almost Matt’s age, and to the
time his dad went through a nasty divorce with the lady. Everything. I was
right there with them as they were with me when I was going through a rough
patch too.
Matt and I were an item for a while. About a year.
He was always so very busy during the weekdays but we
spent Friday nights together and the weekends were spent at his house, with his
father too, or we would be entertaining their business associates at lunches
and such.
His father had such a beautiful soul. He raised Matt so
well. Pete was more like a father to me than my own dad. I’d spend the weekends
at their apartment at Cairnhill Circle because I never wanted to stay home and
deal with my own dad. They opened up their home to me. We would play board
games together, watch TV, sleep, cook. We did everything together, the 3 of us,
like a little family. I felt loved and I felt safe around them.
I always enjoyed grocery shopping with them.
Some weekends, father and son would work through it while
I was there. I’d let them do their thing while I either napped or watched TV or
put in my 2 cents. I remember helping them some with marketing work on a few
occasions and created their website.
One day, they hosted some close friends and business
associates at a dinner party at their home. I was among the successful people
but they always made sure I was never out of place. I got along well with
everyone and I remember one person asking me if I was working with Pete and
Matt thinking I was older than 18. I was still in private school then. Matt
chucked and kissed me on my forehead and said, “She is just a baby but she has
a brilliant mind.”
That was just one of many parties father and son had
hosted and I was right there. But it was that very one that stood out because
after that comment, someone else asked if Matt and I were an item and Matt
said, “We are and I could not be happier and one day she will be Mrs Moore.”
…. Gosh…. Here it goes… the tears are starting to flow… I
am starting to shake as I type all this…
I felt like a real life Princess. I was given everything.
I had a key to their home, I was driven around in his BMW Z4, and I was wined
and dined at top restaurants and hotels. He would always surprise me with
gifts. I was even given a credit card but you know, I never once charged a
thing to that card!
Pete and Matt, I dare say, groomed me up to me the woman
I am today. I learned business through them. I grew up learning from the best 2
people. Not only did I learn how to manage a business, I learned how to carry
myself in all kinds of situations. I was happy and free when I was with them.
Another dinner date that stands out in my head was at
another dinner party hosted by the Moore’s at their home.
They had a chef come in and prepare dinner for the party.
It was those sorts of Michelin star dishes. At the dinner table, when the fish
was served, I remember so clearly Matt picking out the bones of the fish and
exchanging his plate with mine! He took care of me so well.
However, at some point, I felt suffocated. I felt I was
being someone I wasn’t. I was 18 then and was attending all these fancy parties
and events with people twice my age. I had to dress up and watch what I say or
do. It wasn’t me. I know Matt loved me for who I am and I did not have to
pretend to be someone but I felt, I had to at least be extra proper for his
image.
He never really, officially proposed to me but has spoken
many times of marriage which honestly scared me. I wanted to live in the moment
and enjoy his company, and his dad’s. I
wasn’t really to get married. I guess I did not want to be the wife of a
multimillion dollar business man. I never really liked entertaining or hosting
parties, I did not want to be with a man who was hardly home although gave me
the best. I guess there were lots more reasons than that made me step back.
I told him I needed space and I wasn’t ready and that I
would be going to America for a while as it has been my dream to study and work
there. Being the gentleman he was, he tried to talk me out of it but supported
my decision.
We remained in contact.
Strangely after a year, I met Ed and we were to get
married. Funny how life pens out. I remember Matt cried but again supported my
decision and told me he will always love me and will always be there for me and
if things don’t work out, I will always have a place with him. He never lied
about that because he stayed single till the day God took him. As much as I am
upset God took him away too soon, maybe God wanted to put him out of his
misery. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.
He asked, “Will I get an invite to your wedding?” and I
replied, “I am sorry. No.”
We remained in touch even after I got married but Matt
being the gentleman he was, he never spoke about what we had before. He never
tried to come between my husband and me. In fact, I think Matt and I started afresh
and from scratch, we built this special friendship.
However, not too long after, he and his father decided to
sell their company here in Singapore, sell their home and car and moved back to
Australia. I only just learned from Matt’s closest and dearest friend that
after I left, Matt felt they did not have anything left here. Matt never told
me that, probably because he never wanted me to feel bad.
Through the years, I kept asking if he had met anyone and
he would either ignore the question or tell me no one can replace me.
You see, before me, Matt dated 2 other women who were
gold diggers and after them, he was afraid. He was afraid women would only be
with him because of what he can offer and not because they loved him. He always
told me I was different. I know I was. It was never about the money thus why I
left because it was a life I didn’t feel comfortable with.
When I returned to Singapore, Matt took the opportunity
to start meeting prospective business associates in Singapore so he could have
a reason to come back and rekindle this friendship with really meant the world
to both he and I.
Things were so different. We were older. I was a wife and
mother. I was a business owner. We were just the best of friends. But one thing
that never changed was the fact we still loved and cared for each other.
Nothing and no one could have ever taken that away from us.
It’s been years since we last met and when he finally
came back to Singapore and we met up, it was just like the first time at Westin
Stamford. Well, a little different because this time, I knew that face so well.
We hugged and we both cried. We didn’t let go for a long time. I remember that
so clearly.
He would always stay at the Royal Plaza and everyone knew
him there. He got the best service. Again nothing has changed. That’s how he
is. He spends a lot but treats everyone from wait staff to bellboy to door man
with so much respect. He told the staff at the hotel that if they saw me, they
need not ask for confirmation from him for anything, so what I say goes. How
sweet was that?
Whenever he returned to Singapore, he would stay at Royal
Plaza. We always had the same arrangements in place.
He would give me the date and time or arrival and upon
checking in, he would email his room number. I’d meet him that same morning.
However, he always arrived at crazy hours, so that first morning, he would
leave his room door unlocked. I’d go to the hotel, the staff knew me, they
would give me the lift access to his room level and I’d walked through the
unlocked door.
I would walk up to the bed where he would be asleep and
gently sit on the side and run my hand on him to tell him I was there. We would
hug and exchange a few words until he pulls himself together. We would watch TV
and just talk. I wasn’t afraid because I knew he respected me. I could get in
the same bed and under the same sheets and watch TV with him beside me and
nothing more than that ever happened.
At times, we would watch the news, sometimes we would
both be on our laptops working. The fact we were together meant so much.
He is a creature of habit so always; at around 9am, he
would get out of bed, as I sat at the side, and then would gently kiss me on my
forehead and say, “Should we head down for breakfast, sweetheart?”
There’s something to be said about a man who kisses you
on your forehead.
He would shower, get dressed, and his cologne… I can
still smell it as I type this. We were comfortable with each other. My gosh.
Our friendship goes back to more than a decade. We are like family.
….and how can I ever forget breakfast?
We would have a special VIP area. He would walk me to the
buffet table, it was only then we would go our separate ways to get whatever we
wanted to eat. Most times he would be quicker than I so he would head back to
our table, sit and wait for me. He would not even start eating. He would
already have had my tea ordered and as I approach the table, he would get up
and pull my chair out for me to sit.
Second day onwards, I would have the keycard to his room
and all the facilities at the hotel. He would usually stay for about a week to two
weeks at a time. So we spent almost every morning together and some evenings
for dinner and drinks. Weekends were usually out because he chose not to see me
then as it was MY FAMILY TIME.
I joked about feeling like Julia Roberts from Pretty
Woman and he didn’t quite appreciate that. Not much of a humour on that man.
Am I embarrassed to talk about this especially being
married and going to another man’s hotel room? No.
Why? Because we did nothing wrong. We were the best of
friends. And as Catherine from Beauty and the Beast once said, “We have a bond
stronger than friendship or love.. And although we can never be together, we
will never ever be apart.”
One time, Matt had hurt his knee playing tennis and
called me just for comfort. I left the office, headed to the pharmacy and got
some meds for him and went over to his room. Needless to say he was surprised
but touched. I applied the meds on his knee and wrapped it up. We ordered room
service. We had dinner, I tucked him in to bed and made sure he had everything
before I left.
I see those moments so clearly in my mind still.
Then he called me at 3am. He told me he slept like a baby
after I left but woke up and needed a bath so he filled the tub with warm water
and soaked in it BUT fell asleep and the water was running so it overflowed and
he had to call housekeeping. We laughed because he was so embarrassed by that
incident.
Whenever he was in Singapore, we attended lots of
business events together. Whether it was through his business or mine, we were inseparable.
On another occasion when he returned to Singapore, he surprised
me by taking a day off from work. He is a workaholic and that seldom or NEVER
happens so yes, it was a BIG surprise. We headed down to East Coast beach. We
walked and talked until we ended up at a fishing pier. There, we met an old
fisherman who must have been in his late 70s but still so tough looking and
agile. Matt watched him in amazement. Never said much but I knew he was amazed
just by the look on his face. That’s how well I knew Matt.
We left and ever since he met that fisherman, he was
somehow drawn to him. Matt never stopped talking about the old fisherman. Even
when he was back in Australia, whenever we spoke, he would ask if I had been
back to the Pier and if I saw the old fisherman and if I did, could I take some
photos of the fisherman doing what he does best.
I did return to the pier on a few occasions just so I
could find that fisherman and take some pics for Matt but unfortunately I never
saw the fisherman again until the next time Matt returned to Singapore. Well,
Matt comes around every quarter.
We walked to the fishing pier again and like some sort of
miracle, as we turned to leave after being there an hour; we see the fisherman
cycle in on his bicycle. You should have seen Matt’s face light up.
We stayed back a while longer as Matt watched the
fisherman and as I snapped photos of the fisherman. Matt got to talking to the
fisherman about how often he comes by and what he does with the fish he catch
or if he catches a lot. It was a sight I will never forget. It was like the
duck and chicken trying to communicate but just so heartwarming to see and
hear.
Before we left, Matt took out two hundred dollars and
gave it to the fisherman. The gentleness from Matt as he always is warmed my
heart even more. I have seen Matt do a lot for so many but this was somehow
different.
As we walked away to head back to the hotel, he told me, “I
hope when I get to be his (the fisherman) age, I will be as spry as him.” …. And
just thinking of that kills me now. Matt never will get to reach the fisherman’s
age to know.
Another time that stands out for me was when he again
took a day off and we spent the whole day just doing tourist stuff! It isn’t
like he’s not lived in Singapore most of his life but we still went ahead and
did tourist stuff and it was fun! We went on the Duck Tour, ate local food,
went to the malls, and went to Geylang to experiment with the tropical fruits.
We had a good time and again I felt so happy and free.
Matt always placed me on a pedestal higher than his own.
I will forever be grateful.
My husband learned I was spending lots of time with his
person (Matt) and thought I was having an affair. I explained that it wasn’t
what he thought it was and Matt and I had been friends since forever ago. But
he didn’t believe still and created a lot of drama.
That was when Matt, being the gentleman he was, decided
what he and I were doing wasn’t worth the aggravation that was hurting my
marriage. He decided to step aside. This time, he chose to step aside and I didn’t
fight back and supported his decision.
He said, we should not keep in touch but he will always be
there for me if I should need him.
But we agreed we will spend one final day together. I
spent the day/night with him. Our last time together. We had dinner and drinks.
Did not talk much. Just simply enjoyed each other’s company one last time. We
caught a movie (Night At The Museum). I remember before the movie started, I
started to get cold so thankfully his hotel was right beside the theatre so he
ran back to his room to get his jacket and handed it to me.
I fell asleep on his chest that night. I could hear his
heartbeat.
It was a quiet breakfast. Not many words were exchanged.
When it came time for me to leave, we hugged which seemed like forever before
we let go. We both had tears in our eyes but it was for the best.
Last thing he said to me was, “You bring out the best in
me and everyone that crosses your path. Be well and know I am always here. If
things don’t work out, I am here waiting..”
I cried in the taxi, all the way home.
We never met again although we did exchange a few emails
here and there. I learned of his father’s passing back in 2009 which devastated
me because he was like my dad.
Then I just completely lost touch with Matt. I figured,
he was being himself and keeping to his word and not keeping in touch because
he wanted me to make my marriage work. So I left it at that. But I never
stopped loving him. NEVER! How could anyone stop loving someone who gave you
200% of everything they ever did for you?
Then recently, I learned I lost 2 dear friends, one of
who was an ex-boyfriend from way back. I wasn’t too shocked about the ex-boyfriend
passing as I was in touch with him and I knew he had Cancer. But my other
friend passing was a shocker. Then all of a sudden, I thought of Matt!
In the past year, both my mum and I had tried to email to
Matt but never got a reply. So after hearing of these two others passing, I
told mum I felt something was wrong. I knew Matt. I knew him well. No matter
what the agreement or situation was he would never have ignored our emails. I
also told mum, I cannot take another blow if I do find out something happened
to Matt.
So I went back to all my older emails to find his best
friend’s email address and sent him an email. I did not hear back from him in a
few days but every time a new email popped up, my heart would skip a beat. And
finally, he replied…. And it was exactly what I had expected.
It has been 2 years since Matt passed. How could I not
have known??
“Matt passed in August of 2019. He was in an accident in
Dubai. The crash was so bad he died instantly. I do not know the right words to
say to you now after reading your email. I know nothing I can say that would
bring you any comfort. But he is with Peter now and I am dang sure they are
both living it up in Heaven.”
That paragraph on that email his friend sent me still
keeps playing in my head. I had to read it a few times before it finally sunk
in. I felt my whole world shatter right before me.
He went on to say these things that would haunt me for
the rest of my life yet give me some comfort knowing I was truly loved.
“Deb, I knew you from the start. From the very beginning
when Matt set out to meet you for the first time. He knew you were different
and he was right. I remember he never stopped talking about you. Never did even
till the end. He only wanted what was best for you, Deb.”
“I will always remember you. You were so young yet so
mature. You were part of the clan, part of Peter's and Matt's little family.
They adored you. You were different. Matt practically had given up until you
came along. And ever since, he never even looked for another. He always told
me, there can never be another who would even come close to you. I swear, Deb,
those were his words.”
“He loved you. He really did. I know that somewhere in
his heart, he held out and hoped one day you would be his. Matt wanted what was
best for you and stepped away. He was heartbroken but he had to do it. We all
adored you, Deb. Matt more so.“
“I am sorry for your loss, Deb. But take with you, in
your heart forever, the precious memories and the love Matt had for you. Know
that there was one person who truly loved you with his whole life and only
wanted what was best for you. Know that Matt thought the world of you. “
“If he lived, he would have remained single till you were
ready to have him back. I know it is what it is and you had to do what you had
to do but I also know you loved him and still do thus why I can feel your pain
right now and Deb, I wish I was there to give you a big hug right now because I
could use one, myself.”
Reading that email from Matt’s friend, I realized
something I never did before. Matt and I never said “I love you” to each other.
If we did, I don’t recall it or if we did, it must have not been often enough
for me to remember. BUT I am older now and I realize it’s OK if we didn’t say
it to each other because our love for each other was the purest. We didn’t have
to save I LOVE YOU. We told each other that by our actions.
And I am looking back and I realize I don’t even have any
photos of Matt and me. I suppose we lived in that moment in time not realizing
it would all be taken away from us so quickly and we won’t have any photographs
to remind us of the good times we spent together. But it is what it is. The memories
will be stored in my heart forever.
I had my Christian Grey (minus the kink and fuckery)
before Christian Grey was even thought of and made up.
When I watch Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey reminds
me so much of Matt Moore, and how he spoiled Anatasia and gave her the world.
Tall, successful and handsome. And seriously to the point of the kind of
childhood Christian Grey had was similar to Matt’s.
When I read the book, I swore the author was talking about
Matt.
Matt was raised by his father, who by the way did a damn
good job raising Matt to be the awesome gentleman he was. Matt’s mother was a
drug addict who put Matt’s life in danger and who abandoned him when he was
born and Pete.
So you see the similarities.
Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation,
one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here
forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and
none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.
Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs
forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
Matt gave me a forever within the numbered days.
Those special memories of him will always bring a smile
to me and if only I could have him back for just a little while, then we could
sit and talk again just like we used to. He always meant so very much and always
will. The fact that he is no longer here, will always cause me pain but he will
forever in my heart until we meet again.
I miss him in ways that not even words can understand. A
thousand moments I had taken for granted mostly because I assumed there would
be a thousand more. But I will try to remember how fortunate I was that he was
in my life and I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world.
I wish I could go back to a time before it was too late.
I wish I could see him one more time. I wish he would come
walking through the door but I know that is impossible. I know he can feel my
tears and he won’t want me to cry but my heart is broken because I cannot
understand why someone so precious had to die.
I pray that god will give me strength and somehow get me
through as I struggle with the heartache that came when I lost him.
Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that
death cannot touch.
The memories are knocking the wind out of me…
Why didn’t God see that he was needed here with me? He
was taken too soon.
I guess grief is the price we pay for love and when we
lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but to live with
the love they left behind.
In another time, in a happier place, my beloved Matt, we
will meet again.
