Minimart Charity

 

It's been more than a month since I volunteered and contributed my time to charity. It has been a while since I've been looking to adopt a charity. I've been looking to give back to society and been looking for a charity.

My sister from another Mister has looking to do the same and she found this very cool charity which is a community minimart.

We have since adopted two neighbourhoods; Chai Chee and Toa Payoh and this community minimart gives low income residents groceries.

On our end, we donate the money and get friends to help contribute. Then the organizer will get the residents to give us a list of items they may need and we will then make out a grocery list with the items needed, quantity, etc.

On the day itself, about 20 volunteers will meet in the morning, and the grocery lists will be distributed. Each volunteer will gather the items on their list. We get about 45 minutes to do that and at the check-out, the organizer will make the payment and we will then proceed to the HDB block and set up our little minimart at the void deck.

At the void deck, we each set up our tables with the items we purchased for the residents.

While we are setting up, the residents will already be forming a line. The first time I saw this, I had so many mixed emotions. I was glad to be there to help, it warmed my heart to see the many smiling and excited faces of the residents, this experience made me realize how lucky my family and I truly are to have the life we have, and it made me sad to see there are still so many people in need.

It was an eye-opener for me. I had such a feeling of satisfaction being able to do this for the less fortunate.

Anyway, when the minimart finally opens, residents will go from table to table as if they are shopping. They can select up to 8- 9 items from canned goods to instant noodles, biscuits, veggies and eggs.

We managed to serve 80 low income residents, mostly in their 70s and 80s.

To see their smiling faces and to know how thankful they were for the rations they received made the time spent that morning all worthwhile.

A big thanks to the volunteers who spent their time helping with the distribution and a big thanks to the beautiful souls who made donations to make this possible.

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So what have I truly learned from this experience?

There are lots of people in this world who live a comfortable life and some even live a luxurious life and are able to get everything they desire. However, on the other hand, there are also tons of people who do not have enough food to eat or the basic necessities of life. The poor and needy are literally fighting each day to survive.

Poverty is in many countries, striking millions of people. Many poor and needy people struggle to attain the basic necessities of life for themselves and their families. They struggle to improve their way of living. And little did I realize, we still have so many in Singapore who are struggling.

We always think the country we live in is a rich nation and there are no poor people around but boy am I wrong. 

We may be comfortably living in our apartments or houses. We may not be getting affected by hunger but there are so many people out there who may not have eaten a proper meal in the last few days. It’s been more so, since the turmoil caused by the pandemic that is playing havoc in the lives of millions of people from all around the world.

Life is not kind to all of us. We won’t be able to help everyone in need, but our gesture, no matter how small, will definitely make a difference.

We are all in this together. We all can do our bit. Let's feed the hungry and help the less fortunate among us. Together we can make this world a better place. I know we can.

These poor people cannot improve their standard of life on their own and if we have the power to help them make their life somewhat more comfortable, why not? We cannot make their lives a lavish one but can at least help them to achieve the basic essentials of life.

Helping the poor and needy people is a good deed and a noble aim. And there are many ways that we can utilize or contribute towards the cause of further eliminate poverty around the world.

For one; we can use social media as it has become one of the most used, and also the easiest and quickest way to spread the word. By the use of social media, we can raise our voices and create awareness about issues and get a helping hand in any short periods of time.

Secondly, you can raise awareness. If you are aware of issues relating to the poor, you can use your information to raise the awareness to those around you. If you care about the poor and needy people, you can be sure that other people do too, but may just be unaware of how they can help. So share your information and start raising awareness.

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We must never look for a reason to help others.

Self-satisfaction makes life worth living. Each person may have a different need in his/her life. While some yearn for success, some don’t have the most basic amenities such as a shelter or enough food to eat. But that’s not all; some people may be in need of mere affection, those who are longing to see smiles.

We are lucky to be living a comfortable, happy life. How good would it be if we try to bring smiles to those sad faces?

Generosity is an easy doable exercise. Helping others is a blessing in disguise because when we help others to grow; we grow in the process too. It adds value and meaning to our lives.

Helping others is not always about giving them money or material things. Some people just need a shoulder to cry on or some good advice. And you don’t necessarily have to be friends with someone to be there for them. This is simply about being human and caring about other people’s well-being.

It really doesn’t matter who you are or how much you have to offer. Be kind just for the sake of it and expect nothing in return.

Helping others should come naturally and it should never be a question of 'why should I do it?'

A little help with a little smile gives meaning to human life. Happiness doesn't result from what we get, but what we give. And if we are lucky enough to be able to afford it, why shouldn't we try to help others?

As Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

I sure am looking forward to the next round of our minimart charity that will be taking place the first week of January 2023. So if you would like to contribute to this course, whether it is $5 or $10 or even $1, please contact me for more details.

Things To Do When You Have A Headache

#Wellness

We all have experienced headaches at some point in our lives. Some of us get it more often than we would like. However, the good news is, we don't always have to depend on traditional or Western medicines to cure it.

There are some things you can do to ease the pain without a trip to the doctor or the drugstore.

1. Drink water

Dehydration is usually the number one cause of a headache. It's said that drinking water is shown to relieve a headache in most dehydrated individuals within 30 minutes to 2 hours.

2. Avoid foods high in Histamine

Foods/drinks such as beer, wine, smoked fish and cured meat are high in Histamine. It has been said that histamine may cause headaches.

3. Ease pressure on your head

A ponytail that is too tight of wearing swimming goggles that are too tight, or even wearing a hat may cause a headache. So try loosening whatever you have on your head to try and relieve the pressure from it. 

4. Dim the lights

Some people are prone to headaches caused by bright lights. Try dimming your phone/computer screens or lights in the room. You should also try and put on a pair of sunglass when you’re out in the sun.

5. Get enough sleep

Lack of sleep definitely triggers headaches. So be sure to sleep early and get at least 8 hours of sleep every day. 

6. Scalp massage

Try giving yourself a scalp massage. It is said that massaging the back of your head at the base of your skull can relieve a headache.

7. Stretch

Headaches are mostly caused by muscle tension, so by doing some neck stretches; it could help relieve some of that tension.

8. Hot shower

Taking a hot shower while letting the water fall on the back of your neck could help ease the tension in your head. 

9. Watermelon

Again, if you think your headache was brought on by dehydration, then eating water rich foods such like watermelon could help relieve your pain by rehydrating. 

10. Ginger tea

Ginger has anti-inflammatory properties that could alleviate some of the pain.

Happy Birthday In Heaven Godma

 Today would have been my Godma’s birthday. There are no words that would describe how much I miss her and having her around especially during parties as it has always been her “thing”. No words will ever describe how much I am still filled with regrets about what had happened and how we never made peace before she passed. But that is life. We all make mistakes and we learn from it. It is also something I will deal with for many years but I believe my Godma knows how much I truly do love her. 

Things are good with the family now … mostly.  A few till won’t talk to us because of the incident but it is not like we didn’t try. So be it. We have been spending a lot of time with Granny and taking care of her and making new memories. 

So today, the family, the few of us, got together at my granny’s to celebrate my godma’s birthday, to toast her memory. It was lovely. 

Even though we celebrated my godmother today and her memory, upon returning home, I could not stop thinking about how it could have been if we just got to say “sorry” and “goodbye” to her. But I suppose that there are incidents in life when you have no real control over things that happens around you. Sometimes, in these situations, family members face issues of their own and then life sometimes does not give us time to solve the issues in an orderly fashion. Then we get mad and angry when things don’t go the way we want it to then we lash out at each other. 

When that happens, we have to always remember to calm down and learn to feel strong enough to deal with all of what is happening instead of arguing and fighting with one another. 

It is normal for us to always think our problem is the hardest to cope with but others feel the same way about their problems too. 

I realize more now that everyone is an individual with different ideas and views. The would surely be boring if we all were programmed the same way. I sure do think it is important for families to have open communication and when there are disagreements, it is also important to consider the other party’s views and try to reach a compromise.

Families are individuals forced together through blood, they are not involved by choice but by birth. They have to deal with one another and their differences. Not just that, the family have to also deal with one another’s levels of growth and maturity as well as different goals, wants and needs. 

No matter how different each family member is, every human wants to have choices and freedom, but in order to keep a family together, sometimes we have to forfeit that luxury.  Families must always work together although it often takes arguing, and even maturity before we can see one another’s perspective.

We as individuals are all so diverse and complex, our personalities clash, our opinions differ, our beliefs and morals shape us into the person we are… the same goes with families.

There are 7 billion individuals on this planet, it is natural for us not to get along with others sometimes. Same with families… it’s normal for families to argue ad disagree! Healthy even. Generally, everyone is bound to meet in an argument with someone else at some point. Just never let it drag out too long for you to have regrets the rest of your life.

Juicing Ingredients For Healthy Skin

Do you run off to a beauty product store right after leaving a facial appointment, only to spend big bucks on beauty products that you think would preserve your post-treatment glow?

 

Did you know that problems like acne or dark circles are more than skin deep? Great skin is the effect of what one puts in their body.

 

Yes, no one said we cannot use beauty products. However, we tend to forget all the natural ways of getting healthy skin. A healthy diet does not only keep our body healthy from inside but from the outside too.

 

Here are some ingredients for healthy skin.

 

Cucumber

 

Soothes skin irritations and prevents water retention. It keeps gives skin moisture and reduces puffiness.

 

Carrot

 

It gives your skin a healthy glow. The Vitamin C found in carrots also leaves you with a blemish-free skin.

 

Tomato

 

Tomato juice evens out the skin and helps revive the glow.

 

Celery

 

It prevents dehydration and the folate found in celery helps repair skin damage while keeping our skin in good health.

 

Beetroot

 

Drinking beetroot juice for skin works more than from within. It helps for the surface, too. Beetroot juice helps remove toxins and leaves you with a glowing skin. Oh, and did you know that applying the juice on your face regularly will also kill off dead cells leaving your skin soft.

 

Spinach

 

By drinking spinach juice, or even eating spinach, it helps to clean your skin from the inside out. Because of its antioxidant abilities, spinach is perfect for great skin.

Baz Luhrmann's ELVIS

 The long awaited biopic is finally here and I got to watch it. By the looks of the trailer before it was released, it had some promises of being a good film but I went without high expectations because I have watched dozens of Elvis biopics and left disappointed.

 

An ardent fan of Elvis since I was six, I remember listening to Elvis on my Walkman and falling asleep every night. I had always dreamed of visiting Graceland and that finally happened (4 times to be exact) when I lived in America. But I have been blessed that through the years, I have made great friends through Elvis, whether it is through fan clubs or what not. I am grateful to own rare memorabilia and some footage of unreleased concerts. I am even ore honoured to have had close friendships with people who were close to Elvis but who have also sadly passed. The biggest deal for me being an Elvis fan was when I was asked to assist in the promotion of the Tupelo tourism featuring Elvis. My work was recognized when I had a brick with my name engraved on, placed at the Elvis Fairpark Statue and my name engraved on the Fans Memorial Wall.

So, Elvis holds a very huge place in my heart and in my life. I only wish I wasn’t born 2 years after his passing because it would have been amazing to catch him in concert.

It’s a little daunting to realize Elvis was only a year younger than I am now when he passed. Nevertheless, in my opinion, and I believe many would agree with me, that there will only ever be one Elvis. Also in my opinion, Elvis’ shoes are big ones to fill and so many have tried to impersonate him or to portray him and although I wouldn’t say they failed at it…. they did not meet expectations or they did not have that WOW factor.

 

Think about this… how many singers have really accomplished what Elvis had in such a short span of time? How many singers you know, that when you mention their name and anyone would know who you are talking about? Whether someone is 6 or 99, whatever language they spoke or whatever religion they belonged to, if you mentioned Elvis, I can assure you 80% will know who you are talking about.

 

That theory of mine was proven correct when I sat in the cinema last night with my mother and looked around. There were people who were much younger than I was, people of different races, and who probably spoke different languages…yet, they were all there to watch ELVIS.

 

Anyway, let’s talk about the movie.

 

As I mentioned, I did not have very high expectations as I have been disappointed many times before. However, Baz Luhrmann’s biopic sort of promised he will explore the real life of Elvis, his rise to fame and his undesirable relationship with Colonel Tom Parker.

 

It was amazing how much was put into this 2.5 hours movie, from the very young Elvis, finding his way into Sun Records, to the time Colonel Tom Parker discovering Elvis as well as the demons Elvis faces throughout his life and career and not to mention having to deal with Colonel Tom Parker’s control over him. It also covered Elvis’ army life, marriage, Comeback broadcast, residency in Las Vegas, divorce and death. But the best part about the movie was the stellar soundtrack covering lots of Elvis hits.

 

To be honest, I still cannot find the right words to describe what I felt or still am feeling. Yes, the movie was that powerful! It was heartwarming, funny, sad and there were also moments that could make you so upset.

 

I believe, many Elvis biopics showcased Elvis’ rise to fame but this one in particular somehow showed us what really went on with Colonel Tom Parker.

 

They started the movie with Colonel Tom Parker introducing himself and saying “I didn’t kill Elvis” though the movie implies otherwise. The Colonel went on to say, “I made Elvis.”

 

So is Colonel Tom Parker a bad person? After watching the movie, I am left wondering. I also thought he used Elvis and because of his citizenship status and did not own a passport that he stopped Elvis from touring the world and being bigger than he was. I believe Elvis could have been more if the Colonel wasn’t so selfish. But Colonel Tom Parker was also a very smart and manipulative man.

 

Would be still have enjoy Elvis is not for Colonel Tom Parker and his amazing business ideas? Who knows?

 

I guess he did have a part to play in Elvis’ unhappiness and later part; death.

 

Oh I don’t know. I have been told by some of the people close to Elvis that Colonel Tom Parker was well liked by many and he could brighten up any room. But they won’t deny he was a little dodgy when it comes to money and who took advantage of Elvis. So I guess even people close to Elvis were not too sure what they thought about the Colonel.

 

Going back to the movie and how they portrayed Colonel Tom Parker…

 

Colonel Tom Parker was colourful, controlling and clearly had a huge influence on Elvis since becoming Elvis’ manager in 1955.

 

In my opinion, I think Elvis was partly afraid to lose Colonel Tom Parker because in Elvis’ mind, the Colonel got him to where he was and that if he fired the Colonel that he would mess everything up.

 

I read somewhere years ago that the Colonel did not even like music yet her profited disproportionately from Elvis’ record sales and concerts taking a bigger than normal cut. If I am not mistaken I think he started out at twenty-five percent while the norm, was fifteen percent.

 

And apparently the Colonel had massive gambling debts which got him into trouble in Las Vegas which made him hike his percentage to fifty percent. Then I wonder, how the hell did Elvis agree to that!?

 

Don’t forget that because of the Colonel not having a US passport, Elvis missed out on global tours.

 

In the movie, it showed that Elvis’ long-term deal performing in Las Vegas was because the Colonel had made a deal to keep Elvis there in repayment for all his own debts to be wiped out. But that killed Elvis’ momentum and broke his spirit. He became unhappy, overworked and exhausted. That was heartbreaking to watch.

 

They showed Elvis collapsing from exhaustion and Colonel continuing to push him to perform. It was madness.

 

There was a part where they showed Elvis looking high and strung out and cussing out Colonel Tom Parker on stage. Many would think it was exaggerated or there was no truth in that but I can say I have many clips that were shared with me through the years when Elvis did just that. Can you blame him? I am sure he felt so trapped.

 

Elvis did try to fire, or leave the Colonel on a couple occasions but the Colonel was a smart, manipulative man who used Elvis own words, fears and feelings to control him.

 

Anyway, moving on to the star of the show… AUSTIN BUTLER.

 

OK. Before I get into Austin, I have to say this…

 

Before you see Austin Butler’s portrayal of Elvis, you have to watch other actors who played Elvis in the past, in previous biopics.

 

Actors like Jonathan Rhys-Meyers who wasn’t that bad but not that good, Tyler Hilton, David Keith, Kurt Russell, Don Johnson (how the heck did they cast him?), … just to name a few.

 

Austin Butler earned praises from Presley’s own family so that should tell you something.

 

I am not surprised by how many actors have tried their turn at playing Elvis and donned the Elvis jumpsuit.

 

As I mentioned earlier, Elvis’ shoes are BIG shoes to fill and I can only imagine the task it takes to portray an iconic figure like Elvis in a biopic. Any actor can be given tons and tons of Elvis references from photos to videos but if an actor cannot nail their impersonation or interpretation to the audience who are so familiar with Elvis, then all the magic is lost!

 

Well, you do not have to worry about that when it comes to Austin Butler. He was mesmerizing!

 

He faced a tough challenge and he nailed them all! From getting Elvis’ voice and mannerisms almost close to perfection, to the vocal cords when singing some of the songs and recreating some if Elvis’ dance moves!

 

Austin Butler captured the smoldering physicality of Elvis, as well as the playfulness and vulnerability.

 

Any doubts I had going about whether Austin Butler could fully capture Elvis was evaporated almost instantly. Austin has the moves, the mannerisms, and the voice. He sang about a third of the songs himself, especially the early ones. I did not feel he was trying too hard to impersonate Elvis but inhabiting him.

 

The truth is Elvis’ voice cannot be imitated and this biopic wisely did not try to and instead what they did was genius; remixing the actual Elvis recordings with Austin’s voice, rather than trying to replicate them.

 

I guess it was a bonus that Austin Butler could sing to begin with. As part of his audition, he actually sang his own rendition of Elvis’ Unchained Melody. Oh did I also mention that Austin has been playing the guitar since the age of 13?

 

Truly, Austin brought Elvis back again. I also loved how they had actual footage of concerts together with that of Austin Butler’s performance and at times, even the biggest of fan could be confused as to which was Austin’s portrayal and which was Elvis himself.

 

Well, the chose the right actor for sure and Austin Butler’s efforts put into studying Elvis over a one year period sure did pay off. I am pretty sure Elvis would finally be smiling knowing someone finally did a great job at portraying him.

 

The details in most of the performances were close to perfection. Let me name a few examples;

• The details to the jumpsuits Elvis wore.
• The things that was said on stage in Vegas (funny moments).
• The hilarious Elvis character was also portrayed when Elvis put the mic in his mouth during performance.
• The details of Elvis’ last performance, seated at the piano, singing Unchained Melody. I am talking about even the little details of what was placed on the piano!

The final touches put towards the end just made it perfect. They showed actual footage of Elvis during his Vegas performance, wedding, etc.

 

If you have not seen the movie yet, GO GO GO! You will not be disappointed. This is coming from a lady who always had very high expectations for any Elvis biopics!

 

By the way, I forgot to mention how I loved the bejeweled Warner Brothers logo that was shown at the beginning of the movie. That was so very Elvis like.

I Finally Broke…

 

I can say 17 June 2022, Friday, I finally broke. 

The stress of everything finally caught up with me and during the work day when I was bombarded with a ton, I finally broke. I yelled, screamed, punched my desk repeatedly out of frustrations and even hurting myself and cried. 

My chest was tight and I just felt hopeless. 

I do not believe it was just the stresses from today but stress that was built up over time. Family, work, personal issues… you name it.

My poor mother, she felt helpless as she opened my room door and stood there and kept asking me to take a break. A few minutes later she came in again with a glass of tea for me and hugged me and that was when I cried. I needed to let that out. It did make me feel a little better but not all better. 

I guess I have been taking on more than I can handle and it’s now getting to me because I hate to fail. Work has been piling up, and responsibilities of having to care for everyone else around me and the trauma of events that happened in the past 2 years has taken a toll on me. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I love them to pieces but it is a lot for one to handle. Between both my kids, docs appointments, one after another each month… it’s a lot. 

Then again, I should delegate it out BUT to me it’s more frustrating having to explain where to go, what to do, what time the appointment is, etc….then having to repeat it again because they don’t recall. I’d much rather just handle it myself and be done with it. 

Work is work and I do things as if I am a robot. I know what needs to be done, I know how to do it, and I just go on and get it done because it needs to be done. I have somewhat made it a point to stop office stuff at 6pm although most days it’s almost impossible to complete all my work by then. Anyway, by the time I get done with dinner and spending some time with mum and by the time I actually go back in to my room to try and work on my book or whatever personal stuff I have to do, I am exhausted and I have a writer’s block. Not even that… I just don’t have the mood and energy to do anything else. 

Late last year I was hoping to get at least the first edit of my second book done by June. We are half way through June and I’ve got nothing! Many times I have tried to sit down to work on it but I end up just staring at it and then closing the document. 

I have so many ideas for my third book, fourth book and so on but I just need to find the time and energy. 

Even a journal that I started or my blog has been neglected. 

I am not sleeping well. I am always short tempered. I stress more easily. As much as I am not sleeping well at night, I still feel that all I want to do is sleep and that I have been doing. My weekends are burnt because I waste it on sleep. Then I wake up feeling lousy because I think of all the things I could have accomplished during that nap. It is a vicious cycle. 

The loss of who I thought was my best friend in the past 2 years was a kick in the face, the death of my godmother who I never got to make amends with, the death of friends who were suddenly taken away so soon. But for one particular friend, his death affected me but the thing that affected me most about it was finding out the lies he told which I only learned after his passing. Of course I felt betrayed. 

Hell! I felt betrayed when my so-called best friend turned around and twisted everything making it all my fault that we should not reconnect. 

The one death I still cannot accept or get over and I don’t think I ever will is the death of my dear special friend Matt Moore. Yes, we dated when I was still a teenager. We remained the best of friends all those years. If not for him and his father, I don’t think I would have had the work ethics I have now or would not have been able to carry myself with such poise and class. 

Matt loved his fast cars. He died in one, driving what he loved most. But he was an earth angel that even in death, even though God wanted him, God made sure Matt’s beautiful face was untouched in the wreck. 

He was and will forever be that one only guy I trusted. He was the only one who kept his every promise he made to me even in death. No one, absolutely no one could ever take his place. He took a huge portion of my heart with him. 

Then we have Jason and his family who I had sacrificed so much for and done so much for yet I was played like a fiddle. Because of whom they are (no biggie to be honest), I was always judged saying I am bitter because I didn’t get my way. I was placed in the middle of all the hate. But the point is no one would judge if they were randos (as Amber Heard called Johnny Depp’s witnesses). But I would have been just as disappointed if they were randos and did what they did to me after I gave my all to the family. 

But I am glad I wasn’t afraid of them and I am glad I spoke up. It is because I was strong enough to do that, I had many women approach me to share their stories with me. Some of who had been friends with that toxic family for more than 3 decades! So I was lucky it was only about 10 years for me. 

However, I left and I feel proud I did. It was serving me no good purpose. 

In the beginning, people talked and said they dropped me and that upset me so much. But I have come a pretty long way in 7 months. I don’t let those comments affect me anymore. I laugh and it off and wish those women luck if they ever should cross that family’s path in a way I did. 

Still, the trauma of knowing what I had been through all those 10 years still haunts me and upsets me. 

Then the biggest decision I made during the same time as when I decided to drop the D family was cutting off contact with my own father. To this day, I am still not sure if it’s the right decision but when you hear on 2 occasions your own father have said he does not have a daughter…. What would you do? You know the daughter he abused and called names all through her teenage years and who he stopped supporting right after she left high school …. Yet his ‘unheard of daughter’ was the one who took him in when things went through and he showed up at her doorstep. She picked him up for 8 years and this is what she gets. So yes, maybe in a few years I will realize it was the best decision I have ever made. 

Getting rid of a narcissist who like a typical male Chinese, favoured their sons more. I had enough with the mind games and mental torture. 

Then in recent weeks, I learned of a sudden passing of a dear friend Donna Blake. I have never met her but I got to know her through a fan group. We got along fantastically right from the start and she trusted me and made me her family. She supported me through the ordeal dealing with the D family. We shared so much together, we had planned to meet in Vegas.. She always knew the right things to say. 

In fact, when I found out my mum had heart issues, Donna comforted me and gave me all the advice I needed as she had gone through the same. So her sudden passing not only affected me in a sense I had lost a dear friend but it is giving me anxiety that my mom could end up just like her. Yes, I am afraid to lose my mom. Not now. Not ever. 

As for work, I guess I work the way I do because all my life I always tried hard to prove my worth. Maybe because I felt worthless by the way my father and previous boyfriends had treated me? Or maybe I just wanted to be able to provide for my kids more so than my father ever did for me?

I even made a new friend who has been so supportive and encouraging but I am terrified. I am terrified to trust. I don’t trust anyone anymore. 

I even feel suffocated. I feel I need some space from everyone, even when I am at home. 

So I am in a very bad place in my life right now. I need to let lose, I need to get away maybe on a short vacation or something. I don’t know really. 

No, I don’t have thoughts of suicide (thank god) but I do have thoughts about running away. 

Why am I writing this and sharing with the world my weakness when I have always been seen as a strong lady? Why not? I’ve always said I am very transparent. I also want to show everyone that it is ok not to be strongly all the time. In fact, no one will stay strong all the time. But it is always good to acknowledge it and get help or support. 

No one can guess what you’re going through so speak up, speak out.   

Like many cases of this nature, not even family members realize what you’re going through and some don’t even want to believe….. until it is too late. 

I guess this is my way of crying out for help. I know I have always suffered depression, I just never allowed it to take over me but this time, I feel I am at my breaking point. 

But if this blog post can help someone else going through the same as I am then it would make me feel good that I am reaching out to you to have you seek help. 

A nervous breakdown is not something that anyone wants to go through because it is like a full system shutdown in many ways. It is also usually affiliated with anxiety and depression. A nervous breakdown often occurs when it all feels like too much and it’s exceeding our ability to cope and it drains our mental resources. 

So what are the signs? … Here’s what I feel… 

The first would be UNABLE TO FOCUS. I start to feel like nothing really makes sense and I need a moment to myself but just can’t seem to find one. 

I feel RESTLESS AND UNABLE TO RELAX.  I am always on edge and not able to find peace. Even when I am home, I am not able to let go of the things causing the stress. I feel like they have leeched down into every aspect of my life. 

I also feel like my LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE. I feel like I have way too much on my plate and it is bringing me down. 

I am not getting much if any SLEEP at all. I cannot seem to be able to relax and wind-down. My thoughts seem to keep me up at night.

I am also very MOODY AND IRRITABLE. I am frustrated in general because everything keeps piling on. Even the smallest thing can drive me up the wall and I become snappy. 

Does it get any worse than what I have mentioned so far? YES!

My STOMACH IS ALWAYS UPSET. I guess stress and stomach issues go hand in hand. 

Then there is my LACK OF MOTIVATION. This drains me physically, mentally and emotionally, even the slightest effort feels like an arduous task. I barely have enough energy to ‘survive’ the situation that’s causing me to stress, let alone focus on other responsibilities.

Not to mention my CONSTANT STATE OF PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION.

Lastly, the FEELINGS OF FEAR AND WORRY overcomes me. My emotions are becoming increasingly difficult to manage. All those fears, doubts, worries that were lurking somewhere in the back of my mind suddenly rise to the surface, seemingly altering my perspective and clouding my judgment.

It’s awful. Really is. I have been getting constant headaches, dizziness, sweating, shortness of breath, chest tightness, and upset stomach. It just doesn’t go away.

That’s the physical part of this… what the mood changes? Don’t even get me started.

I feel anger all the time, emotional numbness even, fear, increased irritability and angry outbursts. Oh don’t forget the mood swings and uncontrollable crying. 

A whole bunch more changes that will frighten the heck out of you just by you reading this but it’s scaring me, too, because I need to get my life back on track again. 

I have low energy, some days I don’t get any sleep and some days all I want to do is just sleep.

But the scariest of them all would be the changes in my thinking. I find difficulty thinking clearly, I worry extra and have racing thoughts. I even have unwanted thoughts that are sometimes scary and anxiety provoking. 

I believe part of the reason for me finally falling apart, aside from all the reasons I spoke about in the beginning, could be the two years of isolation and remote work that have stretched my mental resources to the limit.

And the worst part about it all, most times I have to control myself in front of my mother to prevent her from worrying. 

So this post is my ‘little cry out of help’ and I also want to show the world that even the strongest person can break at times. 

Another Year Older. A New Me.

 

I just turned another year older and as much as I always tell myself that age is just a number. This year the thought of me being only seven years closer to hitting the big 50 is a little daunting. It’s a mad rush to accomplish the goals I’ve set out to do.

 

However, before any of that can happen, I first need to work on some life changes. I need to find more time for myself, I need to start putting myself at the top for a change and I need to take care of me.

 

Once I’ve mastered how to do that, I need to start purging. Purging the unwanted thoughts in my head, purging the negative (things, thoughts and people) in my life and purging all the hurt and hate I’ve built up over the years.

 

So to kick start this process, I figured I’d first “buang sway” on an auspicious day such like my birthday.

 

“Buang” means to throw or discard in Malay, and “suay” means unlucky or unfortunate in Hokkien.

 

So I decided to get a haircut. I wanted to cut my long black hair to show a difference and not just snip off an inch or two.

 

In many cultures, cutting your hair can have different connotations, from acquiring health to wealth, or good luck and everything in between.

 

But as Coco Chanel once wisely uttered, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” She knew the power of a good haircut and the power she was referring to was confidence and the sharpness of how the new look will feel.

 

When I decided I would cut my hair short, I was nervous. I’ve never really had my hair short. But I knew I had to do it. And so I did.

 

At first, the hairdresser only snipped off a couple inches. I looked at it and it didn’t make much of a difference so I got a bit more confident and had her snip off a few more inches.

 

I actually like it! It sure made the difference I had set out to accomplish in the first place.

 

I feel it has taken away 10 years. I feel so much more refreshed and …. Younger. Ha.

 

So here’s to a new start!

One Year Ago, I Had My Book Published

 

Well, it took me over three years to finish it.

 

It was the first quarter of 2018 when I was asked by my mentor if I wanted to help a celebrity he knew. My role would be to create a 30-days juice cleanse program for this said celebrity. I agreed because ever since I started juice cleansing and had lost over 30 pounds myself, I got to being a real pro at it. I wanted to help others and I had been through my Facebook group but being asked to do this meant a lot.

 

I worked hard and spent over two weeks coming up with over 120 juice recipes and put together a game plan; breathing exercises, how to start, preparation tips, etc.

 

The mission was a success and the said celebrity lost the 30 pounds he had set out to lose.

 

I felt accomplished at that and I wanted to help more people. I could through my Facebook group but I wanted to do something more. I wanted to have something solid. I wanted to have something that could be a reference from people from all over the world should they want to try juice cleansing. I wanted to put all my knowledge into a book and have it published!

 

I have always loved writing since I was a child. I remember I used to write Beauty and the Beast fan fictions at the tender age of about ten. I wish I had kept that journal! I write lots of blog posts about anything and everything. However, I never thought I would want to write and publish a book, one day, and that book would be something that could help others in their journey to health and wellness.

 

At the end of 2018, I started putting things together. It was more like notes of ideas, and information slapped together in a notepad. I think I reached about 40 pages of scribbles of ideas and noted when I bowed out because life got a little busy and stressful and thus distracted and I lost focus.

 

Finally, at the start of 2021, after watching a dear friend publish her first book, it inspired me to get off my butt and to continue working on my dream.

 

I put together everything I had and I finally completed the first draft of a health and wellness book, although I had struggled with for years, I had just fallen in love with it.

 

That alone was a BIG achievement! The accomplishment was the fact I sat down and wrote and put together a book. I know most of us who write forget that accomplishment isn't the validation, awards or the money. The accomplishment is the final completed book!

 

The big accomplishment for me is to be able to say, I devoted hours and energy to this and turning my dream into a reality. Something that only existed in my mind or day dreams is now on a computer and on print to be looked through for a final edit!

 

I did it! I turned the nothing into something that that feels damn wonderful!

 

May the second, twenty-twenty-one, my first book was officially published!

 

I haven’t achieved everything I ever dreamed of (yet), but I finished a book for the first time. That’s worth celebrating.

 

A year later, my book is placed at different library branches around Singapore. And guess what? I am working on my second book!

 

Many people don't write a book because it's extremely difficult. I had to force myself to sit down, brainstorm, write, edit, rewrite, edit, cut, add, rewrite, and rewrite some more until I had somewhere between 15,000 and 25,000 words is grueling work. Most can't do it and when you're one of the few who can, it really makes you feel good about yourself—an important quality in a true warrior.

 

All the effort and time put into writing a chapter can all go for nothing if it doesn't mesh just right in with the rest of your book. It doesn’t matter if it's your part: If it's not right for your book then it's not right for your book and has to be cut. Deleting your writing, especially words you've sacrificed so much to create, can be incredibly painful but you do it in spite of the pain because, deep down, you know your book will be better off for it.

 

What were my rewards of being a published author?

 

First of all, it was the sense of accomplishment. There's nothing in the world quite like seeing my goal of getting my book published being made into reality. And to hold that book in my hands for the first time, I felt all the energy and time, my struggle to find the right material was all worth it!

 

I believe I have every right to be proud of myself. I am officially a published author with a message to share.

 

What was more exciting was the fact I finally get the chance to share my message with others. It proves my commitment to something that I care strongly about and it to get across so I can help others and raise awareness about their health. Sharing my message with the world and being to help others with my knowledge is a very unique reward.

 

By publishing this 'advice book' or 'self-help' book, I have immediately gained more professional recognition and credibility. As a published author, I have become more visible and with that increased credibility, more professional opportunities have become available to me.

 

I have learned that writing a book and publishing a book are two very different accomplishments.

 

Writing provided me with a great personal satisfaction. However, it’s when I shared my knowledge with others that my work took on a new life.

 

So what truly motivated me to take the big leap into publishing?

 

I wanted to show myself I could do it and I loved the idea of even a few people successfully turning their lives around and getting healthy after reading my book. Oh yeh! And I really wanted to walk into a bookstore or a library to see my book on the shelf!

 

I believe that accomplishing a dream is rare and awesome.

 

Many people try to write a book but only a few ever succeed. Whether it's because they didn't put it in time, make the difficult sacrifices or were too scared they weren't good enough, they never did what was needed to be done to make their goal a reality. 

 

Anytime you've worked hard to accomplish a difficult-to-achieve dream, you are, without a doubt, a badass and no one can ever take that away from you.

 

I owe it all to Ed and especially my mother who had always been my number one fan. My mum has always believed in me and without that love and believes; I would not have accomplished this dream.

 

Thank you all who had purchased a copy of my book and I hope you're just as excited to read my second book as you were for my first.

Certified Health and Wellness Coach

 

I did not think I could do it but I did. It has been years since I was back in school or sat down to study for any certification but I really was motivated to get certified as a Health and Wellness coach because of the success of my first published book and the upcoming Juice Cleanse book. Seeing how I have helped so many with just what I had done with my first book, I wanted to take a step further.

 

And so I signed up for the course. The good part about it was that I could set my own timing to study and attend and listen to the lectures as and when I had the time. This worked well for me seeing how much I’ve got on my plate. However, me being me, I was determined to complete the course and get certified as quickly as I could and I did. Within three months of hard work and putting in the time to get an hour or so in for lectures, I finally completed the course, passed the test and am now a proud Certified Health and Wellness coach.

 

I have not really gone all out to get students yet and I will, but I am now focusing on my second book which I really hope to get published by end year.

 

So why did I really decide on this certification? I was honestly torn between this and child psychology. But I decided to do this first so I am more equipped with knowledge for my upcoming books. I do have plans to publish two more juice books and after completed this course, I am eager to write my 4^th book about wellness and get more into details about exercise and foods to eat and not eat.

 

However, I chose to do this because I am passionate about helping and inspiring others to reach their diet goals. I know the struggle because I struggled with my weight for years.

 

I have reached a stage in my life where I want to give back even more than I have been. I want to make a difference. I want to help as many people as I can and what better way than to help people get healthy so they can live a long and fruitful life?

 

I want to inspire and motivate people to achieve their goals and to make long-term diet and lifestyle changes. I want to help people live their healthiest, happiest lives.

 

I aspire to be a leader in my community by setting an example of leading a healthy lifestyle.

 

I really am excited to be able to help other people feel as good as I do, to help them achieve their goals, feel better, become healthier and happier and work towards their dreams. I want to be a part of that. That will be so fulfilling.

 

I believe that by helping others to shift their priorities, make healthier changes, feel better, and become healthier, people start to show up in the world in a better way. Happier, healthier people usually will behave nicely and treat others better, and that positive ripple just continues on from there.

 

Most importantly, I get to elevate the health of my family and loved ones with all my newfound knowledge and information. Life is better when your loved ones are around!

 

Last but not least, I am most looking forward to getting to know more amazing people from all over the world. Thanks to technology, I would be able to help people from all over the world through Facetime become the best versions of themselves.

Matthew Peter Moore - For The Rest Of My Life I Will Search For Moments Full Of You

My beloved Matt a.k.a. Fargo… you broke your promise. You said no matter what, you will always be here, that you were just a phone call away. Thinking about that, I cannot even bring myself to believe that you’re gone. I will never be able to see you, feel you, call you or talk to you.

 

I have lost friends along the way of life, and in the past week, I have lost 2 other dear friends, but your death is hitting me hard. Really hard. My heart is shattered. I feel empty. I can’t sleep. I work through the pain so I don’t have to think about you but when I stop or lay my head down, tears start flowing.

 

The irony of grief is that the person you most want to talk to about it is no longer here…

 

I want to dedicate this to you. I want to celebrate your life and I want to remember how we met and the times we spent together. I want to celebrate you and the amazing person you were. But where do I start? Will I be able to find the right words?

 

The last few days, memories of the times we spent together since the start kept flooding my mind. I wish I could have recorded it but I will have to try and put them in words. But I am going to have to choose a few because if I were to write about the decade long friendship we had, I could publish a trilogy.

 

I want to put this down in words not only to celebrate you, Matt, but should I lose my memory tomorrow, I can come back to this and smile while reading these beautiful memories of you.

 

---

 

It was 1997. That was a bad year for me and I was trying to get my life back on track. I bought myself a laptop and hooked it up to the internet and decided to check out what this online chat is all about so I joined mIRC. First 2 people to ping me were Matt (a.k.a. Fargo) and Ed!! Well, Matt was living in Singapore then so after a couple weeks of chatting, he asked me out.

 

This was before smart phones and not everyone owned a scanner or took much selfies. So you could say this was a blind date. We met at the Westin Stamford as it was called back in the day. I remember we had only described ourselves to each other and kind of gave an idea of what we would wear.

 

As time approached as I sat at the lobby, my mobile phone rang and it was the first time I’d hear his voice. As we were talking on the phone and trying to find out where each other was, I saw this gorgeous guy walking towards me and I was thinking, “No way! It can’t be him.” But it was. Tall, blonde, blue eyes, dressed so well in business pants, shirt and a jacket. Pinched myself. Was this really true? How is it a guy that hot was actually looking for a date. A blind one no less.

 

I learned later that he was also on mIRC checking out what it was all about and I happen to be there at the same time when he pinged me.

 

Our first date was at Prego, an Italian restaurant. It was amazing. He was such a gentleman. He opened the door for me, pulled out my chair. Everything you could ever dream of in a guy, he was it. We spoke for hours. That evening, he left me a text telling me he would like to see me again and the rest is history.

 

He and his dad owned a multimillion dollar engineering company here in Singapore. As months passed, I learned more about him. I met his father. It was just the two of them against the world. No family. Only a handful good friends. So for me to have been accepted in to their small circle meant a whole lot.

 

I have been through so much with the two of them, even when Matt was upset his dad was remarrying a lady almost Matt’s age, and to the time his dad went through a nasty divorce with the lady. Everything. I was right there with them as they were with me when I was going through a rough patch too.

 

Matt and I were an item for a while. About a year.

 

He was always so very busy during the weekdays but we spent Friday nights together and the weekends were spent at his house, with his father too, or we would be entertaining their business associates at lunches and such.

 

His father had such a beautiful soul. He raised Matt so well. Pete was more like a father to me than my own dad. I’d spend the weekends at their apartment at Cairnhill Circle because I never wanted to stay home and deal with my own dad. They opened up their home to me. We would play board games together, watch TV, sleep, cook. We did everything together, the 3 of us, like a little family. I felt loved and I felt safe around them.

 

I always enjoyed grocery shopping with them.

 

Some weekends, father and son would work through it while I was there. I’d let them do their thing while I either napped or watched TV or put in my 2 cents. I remember helping them some with marketing work on a few occasions and created their website.

 

One day, they hosted some close friends and business associates at a dinner party at their home. I was among the successful people but they always made sure I was never out of place. I got along well with everyone and I remember one person asking me if I was working with Pete and Matt thinking I was older than 18. I was still in private school then. Matt chucked and kissed me on my forehead and said, “She is just a baby but she has a brilliant mind.”

 

That was just one of many parties father and son had hosted and I was right there. But it was that very one that stood out because after that comment, someone else asked if Matt and I were an item and Matt said, “We are and I could not be happier and one day she will be Mrs Moore.”

 

…. Gosh…. Here it goes… the tears are starting to flow… I am starting to shake as I type all this…

 

I felt like a real life Princess. I was given everything. I had a key to their home, I was driven around in his BMW Z4, and I was wined and dined at top restaurants and hotels. He would always surprise me with gifts. I was even given a credit card but you know, I never once charged a thing to that card!

 

Pete and Matt, I dare say, groomed me up to me the woman I am today. I learned business through them. I grew up learning from the best 2 people. Not only did I learn how to manage a business, I learned how to carry myself in all kinds of situations. I was happy and free when I was with them.

 

Another dinner date that stands out in my head was at another dinner party hosted by the Moore’s at their home.

They had a chef come in and prepare dinner for the party. It was those sorts of Michelin star dishes. At the dinner table, when the fish was served, I remember so clearly Matt picking out the bones of the fish and exchanging his plate with mine! He took care of me so well.

 

However, at some point, I felt suffocated. I felt I was being someone I wasn’t. I was 18 then and was attending all these fancy parties and events with people twice my age. I had to dress up and watch what I say or do. It wasn’t me. I know Matt loved me for who I am and I did not have to pretend to be someone but I felt, I had to at least be extra proper for his image.

 

He never really, officially proposed to me but has spoken many times of marriage which honestly scared me. I wanted to live in the moment and enjoy his company, and his dad’s.  I wasn’t really to get married. I guess I did not want to be the wife of a multimillion dollar business man. I never really liked entertaining or hosting parties, I did not want to be with a man who was hardly home although gave me the best. I guess there were lots more reasons than that made me step back.

 

I told him I needed space and I wasn’t ready and that I would be going to America for a while as it has been my dream to study and work there. Being the gentleman he was, he tried to talk me out of it but supported my decision.

 

We remained in contact.

 

Strangely after a year, I met Ed and we were to get married. Funny how life pens out. I remember Matt cried but again supported my decision and told me he will always love me and will always be there for me and if things don’t work out, I will always have a place with him. He never lied about that because he stayed single till the day God took him. As much as I am upset God took him away too soon, maybe God wanted to put him out of his misery. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.

 

He asked, “Will I get an invite to your wedding?” and I replied, “I am sorry. No.”

 

We remained in touch even after I got married but Matt being the gentleman he was, he never spoke about what we had before. He never tried to come between my husband and me. In fact, I think Matt and I started afresh and from scratch, we built this special friendship. 

 

However, not too long after, he and his father decided to sell their company here in Singapore, sell their home and car and moved back to Australia. I only just learned from Matt’s closest and dearest friend that after I left, Matt felt they did not have anything left here. Matt never told me that, probably because he never wanted me to feel bad.

 

Through the years, I kept asking if he had met anyone and he would either ignore the question or tell me no one can replace me.

 

You see, before me, Matt dated 2 other women who were gold diggers and after them, he was afraid. He was afraid women would only be with him because of what he can offer and not because they loved him. He always told me I was different. I know I was. It was never about the money thus why I left because it was a life I didn’t feel comfortable with.

 

When I returned to Singapore, Matt took the opportunity to start meeting prospective business associates in Singapore so he could have a reason to come back and rekindle this friendship with really meant the world to both he and I.

 

Things were so different. We were older. I was a wife and mother. I was a business owner. We were just the best of friends. But one thing that never changed was the fact we still loved and cared for each other. Nothing and no one could have ever taken that away from us.

 

It’s been years since we last met and when he finally came back to Singapore and we met up, it was just like the first time at Westin Stamford. Well, a little different because this time, I knew that face so well. We hugged and we both cried. We didn’t let go for a long time. I remember that so clearly.

 

He would always stay at the Royal Plaza and everyone knew him there. He got the best service. Again nothing has changed. That’s how he is. He spends a lot but treats everyone from wait staff to bellboy to door man with so much respect. He told the staff at the hotel that if they saw me, they need not ask for confirmation from him for anything, so what I say goes. How sweet was that?

 

Whenever he returned to Singapore, he would stay at Royal Plaza. We always had the same arrangements in place.

 

He would give me the date and time or arrival and upon checking in, he would email his room number. I’d meet him that same morning. However, he always arrived at crazy hours, so that first morning, he would leave his room door unlocked. I’d go to the hotel, the staff knew me, they would give me the lift access to his room level and I’d walked through the unlocked door.

 

I would walk up to the bed where he would be asleep and gently sit on the side and run my hand on him to tell him I was there. We would hug and exchange a few words until he pulls himself together. We would watch TV and just talk. I wasn’t afraid because I knew he respected me. I could get in the same bed and under the same sheets and watch TV with him beside me and nothing more than that ever happened.

 

At times, we would watch the news, sometimes we would both be on our laptops working. The fact we were together meant so much.

 

He is a creature of habit so always; at around 9am, he would get out of bed, as I sat at the side, and then would gently kiss me on my forehead and say, “Should we head down for breakfast, sweetheart?”

 

There’s something to be said about a man who kisses you on your forehead.

 

He would shower, get dressed, and his cologne… I can still smell it as I type this. We were comfortable with each other. My gosh. Our friendship goes back to more than a decade. We are like family.

 

….and how can I ever forget breakfast?

 

We would have a special VIP area. He would walk me to the buffet table, it was only then we would go our separate ways to get whatever we wanted to eat. Most times he would be quicker than I so he would head back to our table, sit and wait for me. He would not even start eating. He would already have had my tea ordered and as I approach the table, he would get up and pull my chair out for me to sit.

 

Second day onwards, I would have the keycard to his room and all the facilities at the hotel. He would usually stay for about a week to two weeks at a time. So we spent almost every morning together and some evenings for dinner and drinks. Weekends were usually out because he chose not to see me then as it was MY FAMILY TIME.

 

I joked about feeling like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman and he didn’t quite appreciate that. Not much of a humour on that man.

 

Am I embarrassed to talk about this especially being married and going to another man’s hotel room? No.

 

Why? Because we did nothing wrong. We were the best of friends. And as Catherine from Beauty and the Beast once said, “We have a bond stronger than friendship or love.. And although we can never be together, we will never ever be apart.”

 

One time, Matt had hurt his knee playing tennis and called me just for comfort. I left the office, headed to the pharmacy and got some meds for him and went over to his room. Needless to say he was surprised but touched. I applied the meds on his knee and wrapped it up. We ordered room service. We had dinner, I tucked him in to bed and made sure he had everything before I left.

 

I see those moments so clearly in my mind still.

 

Then he called me at 3am. He told me he slept like a baby after I left but woke up and needed a bath so he filled the tub with warm water and soaked in it BUT fell asleep and the water was running so it overflowed and he had to call housekeeping. We laughed because he was so embarrassed by that incident.

 

Whenever he was in Singapore, we attended lots of business events together. Whether it was through his business or mine, we were inseparable.

 

On another occasion when he returned to Singapore, he surprised me by taking a day off from work. He is a workaholic and that seldom or NEVER happens so yes, it was a BIG surprise. We headed down to East Coast beach. We walked and talked until we ended up at a fishing pier. There, we met an old fisherman who must have been in his late 70s but still so tough looking and agile. Matt watched him in amazement. Never said much but I knew he was amazed just by the look on his face. That’s how well I knew Matt.

 

We left and ever since he met that fisherman, he was somehow drawn to him. Matt never stopped talking about the old fisherman. Even when he was back in Australia, whenever we spoke, he would ask if I had been back to the Pier and if I saw the old fisherman and if I did, could I take some photos of the fisherman doing what he does best.

 

I did return to the pier on a few occasions just so I could find that fisherman and take some pics for Matt but unfortunately I never saw the fisherman again until the next time Matt returned to Singapore. Well, Matt comes around every quarter.

 

We walked to the fishing pier again and like some sort of miracle, as we turned to leave after being there an hour; we see the fisherman cycle in on his bicycle. You should have seen Matt’s face light up.

 

We stayed back a while longer as Matt watched the fisherman and as I snapped photos of the fisherman. Matt got to talking to the fisherman about how often he comes by and what he does with the fish he catch or if he catches a lot. It was a sight I will never forget. It was like the duck and chicken trying to communicate but just so heartwarming to see and hear.

 

Before we left, Matt took out two hundred dollars and gave it to the fisherman. The gentleness from Matt as he always is warmed my heart even more. I have seen Matt do a lot for so many but this was somehow different.

 

As we walked away to head back to the hotel, he told me, “I hope when I get to be his (the fisherman) age, I will be as spry as him.” …. And just thinking of that kills me now. Matt never will get to reach the fisherman’s age to know.

 

Another time that stands out for me was when he again took a day off and we spent the whole day just doing tourist stuff! It isn’t like he’s not lived in Singapore most of his life but we still went ahead and did tourist stuff and it was fun! We went on the Duck Tour, ate local food, went to the malls, and went to Geylang to experiment with the tropical fruits. We had a good time and again I felt so happy and free.

 

Matt always placed me on a pedestal higher than his own. I will forever be grateful.

 

My husband learned I was spending lots of time with his person (Matt) and thought I was having an affair. I explained that it wasn’t what he thought it was and Matt and I had been friends since forever ago. But he didn’t believe still and created a lot of drama.

 

That was when Matt, being the gentleman he was, decided what he and I were doing wasn’t worth the aggravation that was hurting my marriage. He decided to step aside. This time, he chose to step aside and I didn’t fight back and supported his decision.

 

He said, we should not keep in touch but he will always be there for me if I should need him.

 

But we agreed we will spend one final day together. I spent the day/night with him. Our last time together. We had dinner and drinks. Did not talk much. Just simply enjoyed each other’s company one last time. We caught a movie (Night At The Museum). I remember before the movie started, I started to get cold so thankfully his hotel was right beside the theatre so he ran back to his room to get his jacket and handed it to me.

 

I fell asleep on his chest that night. I could hear his heartbeat.

 

It was a quiet breakfast. Not many words were exchanged. When it came time for me to leave, we hugged which seemed like forever before we let go. We both had tears in our eyes but it was for the best.

 

Last thing he said to me was, “You bring out the best in me and everyone that crosses your path. Be well and know I am always here. If things don’t work out, I am here waiting..”

 

I cried in the taxi, all the way home.

 

We never met again although we did exchange a few emails here and there. I learned of his father’s passing back in 2009 which devastated me because he was like my dad.

 

Then I just completely lost touch with Matt. I figured, he was being himself and keeping to his word and not keeping in touch because he wanted me to make my marriage work. So I left it at that. But I never stopped loving him. NEVER! How could anyone stop loving someone who gave you 200% of everything they ever did for you?

 

Then recently, I learned I lost 2 dear friends, one of who was an ex-boyfriend from way back. I wasn’t too shocked about the ex-boyfriend passing as I was in touch with him and I knew he had Cancer. But my other friend passing was a shocker. Then all of a sudden, I thought of Matt!

 

In the past year, both my mum and I had tried to email to Matt but never got a reply. So after hearing of these two others passing, I told mum I felt something was wrong. I knew Matt. I knew him well. No matter what the agreement or situation was he would never have ignored our emails. I also told mum, I cannot take another blow if I do find out something happened to Matt.

 

So I went back to all my older emails to find his best friend’s email address and sent him an email. I did not hear back from him in a few days but every time a new email popped up, my heart would skip a beat. And finally, he replied…. And it was exactly what I had expected.

 

It has been 2 years since Matt passed. How could I not have known??

 

“Matt passed in August of 2019. He was in an accident in Dubai. The crash was so bad he died instantly. I do not know the right words to say to you now after reading your email. I know nothing I can say that would bring you any comfort. But he is with Peter now and I am dang sure they are both living it up in Heaven.”

 

That paragraph on that email his friend sent me still keeps playing in my head. I had to read it a few times before it finally sunk in. I felt my whole world shatter right before me.

 

He went on to say these things that would haunt me for the rest of my life yet give me some comfort knowing I was truly loved.

 

“Deb, I knew you from the start. From the very beginning when Matt set out to meet you for the first time. He knew you were different and he was right. I remember he never stopped talking about you. Never did even till the end. He only wanted what was best for you, Deb.”

 

“I will always remember you. You were so young yet so mature. You were part of the clan, part of Peter's and Matt's little family. They adored you. You were different. Matt practically had given up until you came along. And ever since, he never even looked for another. He always told me, there can never be another who would even come close to you. I swear, Deb, those were his words.”

 

“He loved you. He really did. I know that somewhere in his heart, he held out and hoped one day you would be his. Matt wanted what was best for you and stepped away. He was heartbroken but he had to do it. We all adored you, Deb. Matt more so.“

 

“I am sorry for your loss, Deb. But take with you, in your heart forever, the precious memories and the love Matt had for you. Know that there was one person who truly loved you with his whole life and only wanted what was best for you. Know that Matt thought the world of you. “

 

“If he lived, he would have remained single till you were ready to have him back. I know it is what it is and you had to do what you had to do but I also know you loved him and still do thus why I can feel your pain right now and Deb, I wish I was there to give you a big hug right now because I could use one, myself.”

 

Reading that email from Matt’s friend, I realized something I never did before. Matt and I never said “I love you” to each other. If we did, I don’t recall it or if we did, it must have not been often enough for me to remember. BUT I am older now and I realize it’s OK if we didn’t say it to each other because our love for each other was the purest. We didn’t have to save I LOVE YOU. We told each other that by our actions.

 

And I am looking back and I realize I don’t even have any photos of Matt and me. I suppose we lived in that moment in time not realizing it would all be taken away from us so quickly and we won’t have any photographs to remind us of the good times we spent together. But it is what it is. The memories will be stored in my heart forever.

 

I had my Christian Grey (minus the kink and fuckery) before Christian Grey was even thought of and made up.

 

When I watch Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey reminds me so much of Matt Moore, and how he spoiled Anatasia and gave her the world. Tall, successful and handsome. And seriously to the point of the kind of childhood Christian Grey had was similar to Matt’s.

 

When I read the book, I swore the author was talking about Matt.

 

Matt was raised by his father, who by the way did a damn good job raising Matt to be the awesome gentleman he was. Matt’s mother was a drug addict who put Matt’s life in danger and who abandoned him when he was born and Pete.

 

So you see the similarities.

 

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.

 

Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

 

Matt gave me a forever within the numbered days.

 

Those special memories of him will always bring a smile to me and if only I could have him back for just a little while, then we could sit and talk again just like we used to. He always meant so very much and always will. The fact that he is no longer here, will always cause me pain but he will forever in my heart until we meet again.

 

I miss him in ways that not even words can understand. A thousand moments I had taken for granted mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more. But I will try to remember how fortunate I was that he was in my life and I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world.

 

I wish I could go back to a time before it was too late.

 

I wish I could see him one more time. I wish he would come walking through the door but I know that is impossible. I know he can feel my tears and he won’t want me to cry but my heart is broken because I cannot understand why someone so precious had to die.

 

I pray that god will give me strength and somehow get me through as I struggle with the heartache that came when I lost him.

 

Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch.

 

The memories are knocking the wind out of me…

 

Why didn’t God see that he was needed here with me? He was taken too soon.

 

I guess grief is the price we pay for love and when we lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind.

 

In another time, in a happier place, my beloved Matt, we will meet again.