It is the day after we said our last goodbye to my Mama.
Every time I mentioned "Mama" many of my
friends in other parts of the world had thought it was my mother. But I cannot
blame them. Customs and traditions are different here in Asia. "Mama"
is actually what the Chinese would call their dad's mother.
It was a long week…emotional and draining. When we got
home from the crematorium yesterday, I slept for hours!! It was sleep I needed,
sleep that I had lost the last 4 days.
Today, we went on with our usual routine because it was what
my Mama wanted. She did not want us mourning for her after we said our last
goodbye. Right after the cremation, as we tossed away our white t-shirts and
arm patches, that was the last of our mourning for her.
Let’s rewind back to five days ago.
I vaguely remember my mum coming home in the afternoon,
and telling me, “Mama had passed away… Papa has gone to help settle things for
her funeral…”
It didn’t really hit me then. I went on with my usual
Sunday routine with the family. I did not even know how to comfort my dad when
he got home to rest…. What do I say to him? What do I do? All I asked was if
there was anything I could do to help, to let me know….
Mama passing on was something I never expected even
though she was 97 years old. I guess in the back of my mind, I thought she
would live forever since she was such a strong woman. But who really does live
forever right? Silly me.
Reality did not even hit me when my mum and I took my
kids to the funeral parlour to pay our respects on the second day. Seeing my
Mama lying in the coffin so peaceful did not even hit me because she looked as
if she was just sleeping. It started to hit hard on the 3rd day when
the monks came in for the evening prayers and when the chanting was going on…. my
Mama was gone. But being the “strong” person that I am and always portrayed
myself to be, I secretly let out a few tears and quickly wiped them away
pretending to still be strong. It was killing me deep down inside but I never
was one to show my weakness by crying and letting everyone see me cry.
I finally let the tears flow that night when I got home
and was in bed trying to get some sleep. I sobbed quietly and tears just flowed
like a river. I was filled with so much regrets….things I could have or should
have done when my Mama was still alive.
I was not her first grandchild unlike on my mum’s side
where I was the first and thus I was spoilt rotten. But that does not mean she
did not love me. I know she did love me very much and she had her own way of spoiling
me and giving me attention.
When I was born, my parents told me how excited my Mama
was. She paid big money to buy me gold and not to mention pearls that were
crushed so I could drink it for great complexion when I grew up. She lived in
the North side of Singapore and we lived in the East and every week, she would
take the public bus and travel and hour or so to visit with me. Every time, she
would be carrying me or holding me…. Of course I don’t remember most of that
but I believe so because of all the photos I have seen of her with me. You will
not find a single photo where my Mama wasn’t fussing over me.
When I was about 17 years old, my dad brought me a pair
of gold dangly earrings. He told me my Mama had given it to me and that she had
designed it herself. I was a self-centered teen and did not think much of it
then….thinking that she had given all her grandchildren some kind of gold…..
until we attended a family event one day and I wore those earrings because I
somehow wanted to show my Mama I appreciated her giving it to me (even though I
still thought then that I wasn’t the only one who got it). I remember we were
all together talking and my Mama was there looking at the earrings on me with
her sweet smile. It was when all my other cousins had left, when she pointed at
the earrings, gave me thumbs up, smiled and said “swee ah”… (‘swee’ meant
pretty/beautiful). It was then I realized, I probably was the only grandchild
who got that special designed gold earrings.
I was not super close to my Mama like how I was and still
is with my granny (maternal grandmother). But I grew up with my granny and
practically lived with her half my life. But that did not mean I did not love
my Mama.
We would visit her every once in a while but even so,
there was always a communication barrier. She only spoke Teochew which I could
not. I wish she at least spoke Mandarin so we could have talked. But whatever
we had to say to each other was always being translated by my dad.
She may look like a very traditional Chinese woman but
trust me; she is the coolest traditional Chinese woman you will ever come
across!! She would always like seeing me with my tattoos or coloured hair, or
many earrings, etc. I always looked forward to her salted duck soup during
Chinese New Year.
My Mama was a very neat and well-dressed woman. She was vain
and always carried herself real well. She always said, “Being married does not
given any woman any excuse to not make up or dress well… a woman must always
continue to carry herself well so that her husband will not get bored of her.” ….Wise
words from my Mama.
I now think I know where my strength as a woman come from…
not only from my own mother but from both my grandmas. Which makes me almost
Iron woman huh?
My Mama raised five children on her own when my
grandfather passed away when my dad was still quite young. The struggles she
went through to feed them and give them an education. Something which takes
real strength and to really be admired for!
During her wake, I learned something else about my Mama….
I was made aware of what a great woman she was and how
big a heart she had. Not that I did not know that already… but it only made
more sense…
I was told about how they owned houses along Telok Kurau
and even after my grandfather had passed away, and when she was struggling to
support five kids, she would still take care of the other kids in the
neighbourhood. The kids were not just Chinese but Malays, Indians and
Eurasians. The kids in the neighbourhood would call her “Mama”.
I was so proud to learn about that of my Mama.
She accepted my mum with open arms even though my mum
wasn’t a Chinese. That alone makes me respect my Mama even more!
The last few years of her life were a bit crazy. She had
her mood swings and could not recognize family and such. I did not visit her
much as she lived with an aunt I did not care so much for due to personal
issues. I only visited her a few times when she was at the hospital. For that,
I truly have lots of regrets. But with the issue between that Aunt and me….I
had every reason to avoid her for I felt she was a threat to my child and I
then.
I wish things could have been different but as they say, “Could
have, would have, should have….”
But hearing stories about my Mama during her wake was
comforting.
My aunt was telling me about my Mama preparing for her
own funeral years before. She planned out all she wanted at her funeral and she
even designed her Cheongsam which she wanted to be sent off in for her final
journey. She even had her under garments packed away with the Cheongsam. I
giggled when I heard that. But what was funnier was when my aunt continued with
the story…..
Ten years later, my Mama said the Cheongsam is not
outdated because the one she had prepared had big flowers and now small flowers
on Cheongsam was in style…..and so she designed yet another Cheongsam with
small flowers to have it packed away for her final journey and donated the
previous one. That wasn’t it…..her under garments?? She washed them every year
and put them back together with her Cheongsam. I couldn’t help but laugh.
Oh….she also asked for a long zip for the Cheongsam she
designed and when asked why a long zip? Her reply was priceless…. “Because when
I die, I will be stiff, so it will be easier for you to put the Cheongsam on me”.
She was a Buddhist and during a Buddhist funeral, the
immediate family members will have to sit through an hour long prayers at least
with kneeling. My Mama said, “When I die, all of you sit down and don’t kneel
because all of you will be old by then and once you kneel, you won’t be able to
stand up and I don’t want any injuries…”
How can you not love this woman? Who did not love this
woman? She had such a lovely character and a good natured woman!
I did not understand the traditions and such of the
Buddhist faith so when we went for my Mama’s wake, it was a learning
experience. From bowing and offering a joss stick each time we came to the wake…..to
wearing a white top and a cloth patch on your right arm to symbolize if you
were the grandchild, great-grandchildren, son or daughter, etc. Different
colours symbolized a different family member. I wore a full white patch to
symbolize I was the grand daughter who was married.
During the prayers when the monks were chanting, my mum,
daughter and I joined in. We needed to be told what to do but we did as we were
taught. It was our last show of respect to a woman who showed no hate.
The day before her final journey, after the evening
prayers, we walked out of the parlour and sent a house over to the other side
of the world for my Mama when she gets there. It was a house made of paper that
we burned. Still it did not hit me yet……
On the final day before our final goodbyes….I lost it
during the prayers. I could not remain the strong person that I was any longer.
Seeing my dad mourning the loss of his mother and looking mighty frail himself,
I was hurting inside. Then seeing my daughter cry when she hardly even knew my
Mama but the few times she had visited with her…..the final view of my Mama
before her coffin was closed was the hardest. It would be the last we would all
see her physically on this earth. Tears just rolled down my cheeks like a river….as
I comforted my parents and my daughter putting aside my own grief.
As her coffin was placed in the hearse, the immediate
family were to follow behind, walking on foot, for a block before getting in to
the chartered bus that would follow behind the hearse and take us to the
crematorium. Oh and we could not use shoes or slippers, we were all given white
socks and wore it till after the cremation.
I stayed closed to my parents and daughter to make sure
they would be alright.
More prayers at the crematorium where the immediate
family walked around my Mama’s coffin three times as the monk chanted prayers.
It wasn’t easy knowing this is almost coming to an end…
Finally the family made our way to the ‘viewing gallery’.
I knew this would be the toughest part. I had to be strong! I had to put my own
grief aside because I had to make sure my parents and daughter would be alright……
The song playing in the background sent chills down my
spine as we see my Mama’s coffin wait being cremated. As I am holding my dad
who needed support most, I was shaking and could not stop the tears. I think it
was the most I have cried in the five days. My dad had held his composure as
well until my Mama’s coffin was sent in the room to be cremated and as the doors
closed behind it, my dad lost his composure and gave out the most heartbreaking
cry I have ever heard from him. I lost it but had to keep at being strong as he
needed me at that point.
Rest in Peace Mama. You have had a good long life but you
have also worked hard. It is now time for you to rest.
I will take care of Papa. You don’t have to worry about that.
We were really blessed to have had my Mama’s love and
presence in our lives for so many years. Losing her has been a very painful
experience for not only me, but everyone whose lives she had touched.
This has truly been a time where our faith was being tested.
It has not been easy to accept her death while I am sure that she is in a much
better place, it is still difficult to let go.
To my family:
Every family has their issues and problems. But I am
proud that we put all our differences aside during Mama’s final farewell.
Again, I would like to thank my friends who sent my family
and I words of comfort through FB comments or private messages, emails,
Whatsapp messages and text messages.... your loving support has been a great
help. Thank you for being there when we needed you most. No words could ever
express our appreciation for the love and support you have shown to us. We are
deeply grateful.
On behalf of my family, I thank you.
R.I.P. Mama. You will forever be missed but never
forgotten.
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