My Journey Of Faith

It’s been weeks since I wanted to write this post but work and family has kept me occupied, happy and blessed. My biggest reason for wanting to write this is because of a recent private message I received from an old school mate via Facebook. This ‘witch’ I didn't even care much for in school, decides that she is indirectly going to tell me that I should not go to the temple as if she remembers I was a Catholic and that I am being a sinner by doing so….. I calmly asked her to kiss my ass and I will see her in HELL if that is what she thinks.

Who I am and what I become, what religion I choose, the life I lead and the paths I take is MY BUSINESS. It’s my life and I am free to decide for myself.  Everyone has reasons for things they do and I sure have mine. No one has tried walking a mile in my shoes so they do not have the slightest clue about what I have been through….

So before I proceed, I would like to say that by writing what I feel in this post and about the choices I have made and why…I am not trying to criticize anyone or any religion. Everything on here will be what I feel and what I believe…. So if you have a problem with anything I have to say then take it up with the higher authority.

Yes, I was baptised a Catholic. It was a decision my mum made and it was a decision I had no say in, and a decision I am certain my mum was aware could change as I grew up. I went to catechism classes every Saturday (and dreaded every minute of it). I attended Mass every weekend (kicking and screaming… until I was old enough to like boys….and going to Church had a whole new meaning). I never understood the sit, stand, kneel, sit, stand, kneel…

Worse is when I got a bit older, I found it strange that people would go to Church for what I thought was prayers, but instead, they would gossip or show off their new purchases, etc. During mass they would smile at one another during the sign of peace but snub one another right after mass ends. I always questioned, “Why do they even bother going to Church then?”

My mum married my dad who was a divorcee and because of that. She had to sacrifice receiving the body of Christ. Again, when I got older, I questioned this and not a single priest could answer my question. Does God really punish his children who marries a person they love? Where in the bible does it state that a person who marries a divorcee is not allowed to receive the body of Christ? This and many other questions I had, could not be answered and even till today, they push it away. Man made laws of the Church? I dare say yes it is.

Still, I kept going to Church till the day I left for America. Yes, I did try to find a Parish Church there but the few I went in to, even the Priests seemed to be indirectly wanting to know how deep your pockets were or weren’t happy to accept probably because I am Asian. So whatever…..the 11 years I stayed in America, I never stepped in to a Church. OK….I am exaggerating because when I came back to Singapore, I did step in to Churches for my wedding, funerals and my kids’ baptisms.

I got married in Church. I only did so because my grandfather always dreamed of seeing me walk down that aisle. I am glad I did because the year after, he passed away.

I baptized my daughter and my son only because of the pressure from family members (not my mom)….and so to keep their mouths shut, I did it. If I have to carry the sin, I will carry it for them. No I will not force them to attend Sunday classes…I hated every minute of it, why would I put them through it. Of course if they said, “mummy I would like to go for Sunday classes…” .. I would gladly take them.

The choice of what religion or faith they will want to explore is up to my kids to make when they are older.

…

And this is where my journey of faith begins….

Two years after I got married, my hubby and I decided we were stable enough and we could start planning a family. We were ready. After months of trying, I finally got pregnant and we were thrilled until we received a call from my doctor on a Saturday saying I had a miscarriage. I swear, my whole world shattered and I kept asking, “WHY?”. But we tried again and again,…and it was one miscarriage after another.

Of course I prayed and kept my faith but after the few miscarriages, I started questioning God…. I did not say we would make awesome parents but we definitely would love and raise our child to the best of our ability and protect him/her….yet I kept reading in the newspapers about parents killing their kids, abusing them or newborn babies being tossed in the trash. All that got me furious and even furious with God. He’s giving all these people babies to torture and kill? What about me? I am praying but is he listening?? NO! Then I get all these holier than thou people telling me God has his reasons, God knows when is the right time…. My reply? BULLSHIT! No offence but by this time I was pissed at God and the whole world!

We almost gave up. We almost adopted. Then one day my mum called me in USA. She told me her friend knew I was trying to conceive and suggested my mum take me to the Loyang Tua Pek Kong temple to pray and ask for what I wanted. A few months later, I made a trip back to Singapore. We went over to the temple and I put all my faith together and prayed to have a healthy baby. I left the temple without high expectations, only faith.

A few weeks after I returned to USA, I got pregnant. Of course I was thrilled but I didn't want to think that it was a miracle. I also wanted to make sure I didn't suffer another miscarriage.

It wasn't an easy pregnancy. It was nine months of nightmare because I was scared of another miscarriage. I did things extra careful, I ate the right foods. I was also under high risk pregnancy…. But one thing I had throughout this whole nine months was FAITH and prayers to a new found God/Religion.

I gave birth to my daughter. It was the happiest moment of our lives. The first week was rough as she was so sick and was in the NICU for a week…but again I lived on prayers and faith. And I figured that, we've already been through hell and back, this is nothing we cannot cope with and it would only make us appreciate our baby girl even more…

Needless to say, we named her “LeiLani” which means ‘Heavenly Child’.

Four years later, we decided to try again for another baby and that was when Logan was born. He was under high risk pregnancy as well and was in the NICU for a little longer than his sister…but other than that, I have two healthy amazing kids.

I have since kept going back to the temple. I took Lani to the temple every time we came back to Singapore for a visit…and now we’re back for good. It’s easier for us. I've explained it to my kids and they understand.

I feel everyone has to have a religion or a faith to believe in. It’s hard to get through life not believing in anything or not having a God to turn to when you’re at your darkest hour. I am glad I found a faith I trust in, a God I can turn to when my whole world seems to be crumbling down.

Not only did I pray to get my kids. I continue to pray for everything to Tua Pek Kong. My faith in him is so strong that when we bought a house, we bought one right next to the market where there is a Tua Pek Kong altar. Trust me, it’s saying something because Tua Pek Kong altars and temples are tough to come by in Singapore.

…and most recently…

When work was a bit unstable and I was worrying about finances and such when I turned to Tua Pek Kong. In less than two weeks, I got myself a new office that’s only 6 bus stops away from home and the best part about the whole package?? My new office is right beside a Tua Pek Kong temple. I have to pass it to get to the office and back home. Such eerie coincidence? Nahh… I think it is just his way of telling me he is taking care of my family and I.

Once a week, my mum will accompany me to the temple in the morning. We will have breakfast then pay our respects at the temple. The rest of the week, I spend a few minutes there before work and after.

Because of this, the calmness I receive every day, I feel I have changed a little. I have become a better person. I am less grumpy and agitated, and I manage my daily routines better than I ever did.

Just the other day, I was discussing this with my husband and we were talking about how Lani was a blessed child. Then I mentioned how much of a coincidence that Lani was born in February and that Tua Pek Kong’s birthday falls in February too, although the date changes every year…

My husband then prompted me to research and to find out when they celebrated Tua Pek Kong’s birthday in the year Lani was born…. I did…and I was shocked by my findings! In Singapore, they celebrated Tua Pek Kong’s birthday on the 16^th of February 2003….. my daughter was born on the 15^th of February 2003 in USA…meaning it would have been Feb 16 in Singapore!

But I have to say, my brush with Taoism started before I even realized it. Before I got married, I was struggling to get my fiancée visa in the USA approved. My mum and I were outside a temple at Pulau Ubin when a monk came up to me and told me not to worry and that I will get everything sorted out soon. Now, how did he know? What was he really talking about? There and then I took it as he meant my visa…and he was right….a week later my visa was approved. Coincidence? I thought so at that time. The fact that I now realize that the temple there was a Tua Pek Kong temple just makes this whole journey to Taoism all the more interesting for me.

Of course there will be non-believers who probably by now is thinking I am full of shits. But I didn’t write this to make anyone believe. I wrote this because I wanted to share. Only my family and I will understand this and that is all that matters.

I am no where close to being an expert on Taoism. But I go to the temple and I pay my respects and I pray in whatever way I know. I am sure Tua Pek Kong understands and to a certain degree I am sure he laughs at these two Eurasian ladies with two ang moh children coming in to his home to pray.

And that’s my story of my journey of faith…from being a baptised Catholic to a Taoist.