Baz Luhrmann's ELVIS

 The long awaited biopic is finally here and I got to watch it. By the looks of the trailer before it was released, it had some promises of being a good film but I went without high expectations because I have watched dozens of Elvis biopics and left disappointed.

 

An ardent fan of Elvis since I was six, I remember listening to Elvis on my Walkman and falling asleep every night. I had always dreamed of visiting Graceland and that finally happened (4 times to be exact) when I lived in America. But I have been blessed that through the years, I have made great friends through Elvis, whether it is through fan clubs or what not. I am grateful to own rare memorabilia and some footage of unreleased concerts. I am even ore honoured to have had close friendships with people who were close to Elvis but who have also sadly passed. The biggest deal for me being an Elvis fan was when I was asked to assist in the promotion of the Tupelo tourism featuring Elvis. My work was recognized when I had a brick with my name engraved on, placed at the Elvis Fairpark Statue and my name engraved on the Fans Memorial Wall.

So, Elvis holds a very huge place in my heart and in my life. I only wish I wasn’t born 2 years after his passing because it would have been amazing to catch him in concert.

It’s a little daunting to realize Elvis was only a year younger than I am now when he passed. Nevertheless, in my opinion, and I believe many would agree with me, that there will only ever be one Elvis. Also in my opinion, Elvis’ shoes are big ones to fill and so many have tried to impersonate him or to portray him and although I wouldn’t say they failed at it…. they did not meet expectations or they did not have that WOW factor.

 

Think about this… how many singers have really accomplished what Elvis had in such a short span of time? How many singers you know, that when you mention their name and anyone would know who you are talking about? Whether someone is 6 or 99, whatever language they spoke or whatever religion they belonged to, if you mentioned Elvis, I can assure you 80% will know who you are talking about.

 

That theory of mine was proven correct when I sat in the cinema last night with my mother and looked around. There were people who were much younger than I was, people of different races, and who probably spoke different languages…yet, they were all there to watch ELVIS.

 

Anyway, let’s talk about the movie.

 

As I mentioned, I did not have very high expectations as I have been disappointed many times before. However, Baz Luhrmann’s biopic sort of promised he will explore the real life of Elvis, his rise to fame and his undesirable relationship with Colonel Tom Parker.

 

It was amazing how much was put into this 2.5 hours movie, from the very young Elvis, finding his way into Sun Records, to the time Colonel Tom Parker discovering Elvis as well as the demons Elvis faces throughout his life and career and not to mention having to deal with Colonel Tom Parker’s control over him. It also covered Elvis’ army life, marriage, Comeback broadcast, residency in Las Vegas, divorce and death. But the best part about the movie was the stellar soundtrack covering lots of Elvis hits.

 

To be honest, I still cannot find the right words to describe what I felt or still am feeling. Yes, the movie was that powerful! It was heartwarming, funny, sad and there were also moments that could make you so upset.

 

I believe, many Elvis biopics showcased Elvis’ rise to fame but this one in particular somehow showed us what really went on with Colonel Tom Parker.

 

They started the movie with Colonel Tom Parker introducing himself and saying “I didn’t kill Elvis” though the movie implies otherwise. The Colonel went on to say, “I made Elvis.”

 

So is Colonel Tom Parker a bad person? After watching the movie, I am left wondering. I also thought he used Elvis and because of his citizenship status and did not own a passport that he stopped Elvis from touring the world and being bigger than he was. I believe Elvis could have been more if the Colonel wasn’t so selfish. But Colonel Tom Parker was also a very smart and manipulative man.

 

Would be still have enjoy Elvis is not for Colonel Tom Parker and his amazing business ideas? Who knows?

 

I guess he did have a part to play in Elvis’ unhappiness and later part; death.

 

Oh I don’t know. I have been told by some of the people close to Elvis that Colonel Tom Parker was well liked by many and he could brighten up any room. But they won’t deny he was a little dodgy when it comes to money and who took advantage of Elvis. So I guess even people close to Elvis were not too sure what they thought about the Colonel.

 

Going back to the movie and how they portrayed Colonel Tom Parker…

 

Colonel Tom Parker was colourful, controlling and clearly had a huge influence on Elvis since becoming Elvis’ manager in 1955.

 

In my opinion, I think Elvis was partly afraid to lose Colonel Tom Parker because in Elvis’ mind, the Colonel got him to where he was and that if he fired the Colonel that he would mess everything up.

 

I read somewhere years ago that the Colonel did not even like music yet her profited disproportionately from Elvis’ record sales and concerts taking a bigger than normal cut. If I am not mistaken I think he started out at twenty-five percent while the norm, was fifteen percent.

 

And apparently the Colonel had massive gambling debts which got him into trouble in Las Vegas which made him hike his percentage to fifty percent. Then I wonder, how the hell did Elvis agree to that!?

 

Don’t forget that because of the Colonel not having a US passport, Elvis missed out on global tours.

 

In the movie, it showed that Elvis’ long-term deal performing in Las Vegas was because the Colonel had made a deal to keep Elvis there in repayment for all his own debts to be wiped out. But that killed Elvis’ momentum and broke his spirit. He became unhappy, overworked and exhausted. That was heartbreaking to watch.

 

They showed Elvis collapsing from exhaustion and Colonel continuing to push him to perform. It was madness.

 

There was a part where they showed Elvis looking high and strung out and cussing out Colonel Tom Parker on stage. Many would think it was exaggerated or there was no truth in that but I can say I have many clips that were shared with me through the years when Elvis did just that. Can you blame him? I am sure he felt so trapped.

 

Elvis did try to fire, or leave the Colonel on a couple occasions but the Colonel was a smart, manipulative man who used Elvis own words, fears and feelings to control him.

 

Anyway, moving on to the star of the show… AUSTIN BUTLER.

 

OK. Before I get into Austin, I have to say this…

 

Before you see Austin Butler’s portrayal of Elvis, you have to watch other actors who played Elvis in the past, in previous biopics.

 

Actors like Jonathan Rhys-Meyers who wasn’t that bad but not that good, Tyler Hilton, David Keith, Kurt Russell, Don Johnson (how the heck did they cast him?), … just to name a few.

 

Austin Butler earned praises from Presley’s own family so that should tell you something.

 

I am not surprised by how many actors have tried their turn at playing Elvis and donned the Elvis jumpsuit.

 

As I mentioned earlier, Elvis’ shoes are BIG shoes to fill and I can only imagine the task it takes to portray an iconic figure like Elvis in a biopic. Any actor can be given tons and tons of Elvis references from photos to videos but if an actor cannot nail their impersonation or interpretation to the audience who are so familiar with Elvis, then all the magic is lost!

 

Well, you do not have to worry about that when it comes to Austin Butler. He was mesmerizing!

 

He faced a tough challenge and he nailed them all! From getting Elvis’ voice and mannerisms almost close to perfection, to the vocal cords when singing some of the songs and recreating some if Elvis’ dance moves!

 

Austin Butler captured the smoldering physicality of Elvis, as well as the playfulness and vulnerability.

 

Any doubts I had going about whether Austin Butler could fully capture Elvis was evaporated almost instantly. Austin has the moves, the mannerisms, and the voice. He sang about a third of the songs himself, especially the early ones. I did not feel he was trying too hard to impersonate Elvis but inhabiting him.

 

The truth is Elvis’ voice cannot be imitated and this biopic wisely did not try to and instead what they did was genius; remixing the actual Elvis recordings with Austin’s voice, rather than trying to replicate them.

 

I guess it was a bonus that Austin Butler could sing to begin with. As part of his audition, he actually sang his own rendition of Elvis’ Unchained Melody. Oh did I also mention that Austin has been playing the guitar since the age of 13?

 

Truly, Austin brought Elvis back again. I also loved how they had actual footage of concerts together with that of Austin Butler’s performance and at times, even the biggest of fan could be confused as to which was Austin’s portrayal and which was Elvis himself.

 

Well, the chose the right actor for sure and Austin Butler’s efforts put into studying Elvis over a one year period sure did pay off. I am pretty sure Elvis would finally be smiling knowing someone finally did a great job at portraying him.

 

The details in most of the performances were close to perfection. Let me name a few examples;

• The details to the jumpsuits Elvis wore.
• The things that was said on stage in Vegas (funny moments).
• The hilarious Elvis character was also portrayed when Elvis put the mic in his mouth during performance.
• The details of Elvis’ last performance, seated at the piano, singing Unchained Melody. I am talking about even the little details of what was placed on the piano!

The final touches put towards the end just made it perfect. They showed actual footage of Elvis during his Vegas performance, wedding, etc.

 

If you have not seen the movie yet, GO GO GO! You will not be disappointed. This is coming from a lady who always had very high expectations for any Elvis biopics!

 

By the way, I forgot to mention how I loved the bejeweled Warner Brothers logo that was shown at the beginning of the movie. That was so very Elvis like.

I Finally Broke…

 

I can say 17 June 2022, Friday, I finally broke. 

The stress of everything finally caught up with me and during the work day when I was bombarded with a ton, I finally broke. I yelled, screamed, punched my desk repeatedly out of frustrations and even hurting myself and cried. 

My chest was tight and I just felt hopeless. 

I do not believe it was just the stresses from today but stress that was built up over time. Family, work, personal issues… you name it.

My poor mother, she felt helpless as she opened my room door and stood there and kept asking me to take a break. A few minutes later she came in again with a glass of tea for me and hugged me and that was when I cried. I needed to let that out. It did make me feel a little better but not all better. 

I guess I have been taking on more than I can handle and it’s now getting to me because I hate to fail. Work has been piling up, and responsibilities of having to care for everyone else around me and the trauma of events that happened in the past 2 years has taken a toll on me. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I love them to pieces but it is a lot for one to handle. Between both my kids, docs appointments, one after another each month… it’s a lot. 

Then again, I should delegate it out BUT to me it’s more frustrating having to explain where to go, what to do, what time the appointment is, etc….then having to repeat it again because they don’t recall. I’d much rather just handle it myself and be done with it. 

Work is work and I do things as if I am a robot. I know what needs to be done, I know how to do it, and I just go on and get it done because it needs to be done. I have somewhat made it a point to stop office stuff at 6pm although most days it’s almost impossible to complete all my work by then. Anyway, by the time I get done with dinner and spending some time with mum and by the time I actually go back in to my room to try and work on my book or whatever personal stuff I have to do, I am exhausted and I have a writer’s block. Not even that… I just don’t have the mood and energy to do anything else. 

Late last year I was hoping to get at least the first edit of my second book done by June. We are half way through June and I’ve got nothing! Many times I have tried to sit down to work on it but I end up just staring at it and then closing the document. 

I have so many ideas for my third book, fourth book and so on but I just need to find the time and energy. 

Even a journal that I started or my blog has been neglected. 

I am not sleeping well. I am always short tempered. I stress more easily. As much as I am not sleeping well at night, I still feel that all I want to do is sleep and that I have been doing. My weekends are burnt because I waste it on sleep. Then I wake up feeling lousy because I think of all the things I could have accomplished during that nap. It is a vicious cycle. 

The loss of who I thought was my best friend in the past 2 years was a kick in the face, the death of my godmother who I never got to make amends with, the death of friends who were suddenly taken away so soon. But for one particular friend, his death affected me but the thing that affected me most about it was finding out the lies he told which I only learned after his passing. Of course I felt betrayed. 

Hell! I felt betrayed when my so-called best friend turned around and twisted everything making it all my fault that we should not reconnect. 

The one death I still cannot accept or get over and I don’t think I ever will is the death of my dear special friend Matt Moore. Yes, we dated when I was still a teenager. We remained the best of friends all those years. If not for him and his father, I don’t think I would have had the work ethics I have now or would not have been able to carry myself with such poise and class. 

Matt loved his fast cars. He died in one, driving what he loved most. But he was an earth angel that even in death, even though God wanted him, God made sure Matt’s beautiful face was untouched in the wreck. 

He was and will forever be that one only guy I trusted. He was the only one who kept his every promise he made to me even in death. No one, absolutely no one could ever take his place. He took a huge portion of my heart with him. 

Then we have Jason and his family who I had sacrificed so much for and done so much for yet I was played like a fiddle. Because of whom they are (no biggie to be honest), I was always judged saying I am bitter because I didn’t get my way. I was placed in the middle of all the hate. But the point is no one would judge if they were randos (as Amber Heard called Johnny Depp’s witnesses). But I would have been just as disappointed if they were randos and did what they did to me after I gave my all to the family. 

But I am glad I wasn’t afraid of them and I am glad I spoke up. It is because I was strong enough to do that, I had many women approach me to share their stories with me. Some of who had been friends with that toxic family for more than 3 decades! So I was lucky it was only about 10 years for me. 

However, I left and I feel proud I did. It was serving me no good purpose. 

In the beginning, people talked and said they dropped me and that upset me so much. But I have come a pretty long way in 7 months. I don’t let those comments affect me anymore. I laugh and it off and wish those women luck if they ever should cross that family’s path in a way I did. 

Still, the trauma of knowing what I had been through all those 10 years still haunts me and upsets me. 

Then the biggest decision I made during the same time as when I decided to drop the D family was cutting off contact with my own father. To this day, I am still not sure if it’s the right decision but when you hear on 2 occasions your own father have said he does not have a daughter…. What would you do? You know the daughter he abused and called names all through her teenage years and who he stopped supporting right after she left high school …. Yet his ‘unheard of daughter’ was the one who took him in when things went through and he showed up at her doorstep. She picked him up for 8 years and this is what she gets. So yes, maybe in a few years I will realize it was the best decision I have ever made. 

Getting rid of a narcissist who like a typical male Chinese, favoured their sons more. I had enough with the mind games and mental torture. 

Then in recent weeks, I learned of a sudden passing of a dear friend Donna Blake. I have never met her but I got to know her through a fan group. We got along fantastically right from the start and she trusted me and made me her family. She supported me through the ordeal dealing with the D family. We shared so much together, we had planned to meet in Vegas.. She always knew the right things to say. 

In fact, when I found out my mum had heart issues, Donna comforted me and gave me all the advice I needed as she had gone through the same. So her sudden passing not only affected me in a sense I had lost a dear friend but it is giving me anxiety that my mom could end up just like her. Yes, I am afraid to lose my mom. Not now. Not ever. 

As for work, I guess I work the way I do because all my life I always tried hard to prove my worth. Maybe because I felt worthless by the way my father and previous boyfriends had treated me? Or maybe I just wanted to be able to provide for my kids more so than my father ever did for me?

I even made a new friend who has been so supportive and encouraging but I am terrified. I am terrified to trust. I don’t trust anyone anymore. 

I even feel suffocated. I feel I need some space from everyone, even when I am at home. 

So I am in a very bad place in my life right now. I need to let lose, I need to get away maybe on a short vacation or something. I don’t know really. 

No, I don’t have thoughts of suicide (thank god) but I do have thoughts about running away. 

Why am I writing this and sharing with the world my weakness when I have always been seen as a strong lady? Why not? I’ve always said I am very transparent. I also want to show everyone that it is ok not to be strongly all the time. In fact, no one will stay strong all the time. But it is always good to acknowledge it and get help or support. 

No one can guess what you’re going through so speak up, speak out.   

Like many cases of this nature, not even family members realize what you’re going through and some don’t even want to believe….. until it is too late. 

I guess this is my way of crying out for help. I know I have always suffered depression, I just never allowed it to take over me but this time, I feel I am at my breaking point. 

But if this blog post can help someone else going through the same as I am then it would make me feel good that I am reaching out to you to have you seek help. 

A nervous breakdown is not something that anyone wants to go through because it is like a full system shutdown in many ways. It is also usually affiliated with anxiety and depression. A nervous breakdown often occurs when it all feels like too much and it’s exceeding our ability to cope and it drains our mental resources. 

So what are the signs? … Here’s what I feel… 

The first would be UNABLE TO FOCUS. I start to feel like nothing really makes sense and I need a moment to myself but just can’t seem to find one. 

I feel RESTLESS AND UNABLE TO RELAX.  I am always on edge and not able to find peace. Even when I am home, I am not able to let go of the things causing the stress. I feel like they have leeched down into every aspect of my life. 

I also feel like my LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE. I feel like I have way too much on my plate and it is bringing me down. 

I am not getting much if any SLEEP at all. I cannot seem to be able to relax and wind-down. My thoughts seem to keep me up at night.

I am also very MOODY AND IRRITABLE. I am frustrated in general because everything keeps piling on. Even the smallest thing can drive me up the wall and I become snappy. 

Does it get any worse than what I have mentioned so far? YES!

My STOMACH IS ALWAYS UPSET. I guess stress and stomach issues go hand in hand. 

Then there is my LACK OF MOTIVATION. This drains me physically, mentally and emotionally, even the slightest effort feels like an arduous task. I barely have enough energy to ‘survive’ the situation that’s causing me to stress, let alone focus on other responsibilities.

Not to mention my CONSTANT STATE OF PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION.

Lastly, the FEELINGS OF FEAR AND WORRY overcomes me. My emotions are becoming increasingly difficult to manage. All those fears, doubts, worries that were lurking somewhere in the back of my mind suddenly rise to the surface, seemingly altering my perspective and clouding my judgment.

It’s awful. Really is. I have been getting constant headaches, dizziness, sweating, shortness of breath, chest tightness, and upset stomach. It just doesn’t go away.

That’s the physical part of this… what the mood changes? Don’t even get me started.

I feel anger all the time, emotional numbness even, fear, increased irritability and angry outbursts. Oh don’t forget the mood swings and uncontrollable crying. 

A whole bunch more changes that will frighten the heck out of you just by you reading this but it’s scaring me, too, because I need to get my life back on track again. 

I have low energy, some days I don’t get any sleep and some days all I want to do is just sleep.

But the scariest of them all would be the changes in my thinking. I find difficulty thinking clearly, I worry extra and have racing thoughts. I even have unwanted thoughts that are sometimes scary and anxiety provoking. 

I believe part of the reason for me finally falling apart, aside from all the reasons I spoke about in the beginning, could be the two years of isolation and remote work that have stretched my mental resources to the limit.

And the worst part about it all, most times I have to control myself in front of my mother to prevent her from worrying. 

So this post is my ‘little cry out of help’ and I also want to show the world that even the strongest person can break at times. 

Another Year Older. A New Me.

 

I just turned another year older and as much as I always tell myself that age is just a number. This year the thought of me being only seven years closer to hitting the big 50 is a little daunting. It’s a mad rush to accomplish the goals I’ve set out to do.

 

However, before any of that can happen, I first need to work on some life changes. I need to find more time for myself, I need to start putting myself at the top for a change and I need to take care of me.

 

Once I’ve mastered how to do that, I need to start purging. Purging the unwanted thoughts in my head, purging the negative (things, thoughts and people) in my life and purging all the hurt and hate I’ve built up over the years.

 

So to kick start this process, I figured I’d first “buang sway” on an auspicious day such like my birthday.

 

“Buang” means to throw or discard in Malay, and “suay” means unlucky or unfortunate in Hokkien.

 

So I decided to get a haircut. I wanted to cut my long black hair to show a difference and not just snip off an inch or two.

 

In many cultures, cutting your hair can have different connotations, from acquiring health to wealth, or good luck and everything in between.

 

But as Coco Chanel once wisely uttered, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” She knew the power of a good haircut and the power she was referring to was confidence and the sharpness of how the new look will feel.

 

When I decided I would cut my hair short, I was nervous. I’ve never really had my hair short. But I knew I had to do it. And so I did.

 

At first, the hairdresser only snipped off a couple inches. I looked at it and it didn’t make much of a difference so I got a bit more confident and had her snip off a few more inches.

 

I actually like it! It sure made the difference I had set out to accomplish in the first place.

 

I feel it has taken away 10 years. I feel so much more refreshed and …. Younger. Ha.

 

So here’s to a new start!